Behind the Veil

I pray to God to catch a glimpse of what there used to be
I stare into the shattered mirror piecing back the memories
I strain my ears to hear a second of your voice just one more time
I close my eyes and see your face and promise never to blink again

I guess I'm not as far along as I thought I was

Fishbowl Effect

a fish in a fishbowl
looked out through the glass
caught glimpse of the ocean
and never went back
to the way he once felt
content and naive
he knew there was more and
he yearned now to leave
his little fishbowl
for a chance to swim free
with limitless water
in the wide open sea

Spoilers

flipping the pages
frantically searching
for glimpses of names
and places and things
I have a tendency
to read the last chapter
before starting the book
but life won't work that way
I don't get my spoilers
I have to wait it out
word by word
line by line
page by page
day by day

Summer Bird

summer bird
stretch your wings
open your beak
dare to sing

leave your cage
fly far away
you're strong enough
you don't have to stay

you were meant
for so much more
its open now
fly out the door

the world is yours
the sky is clear
there are no limits
release your fear

GO!

run
fly
skip
jump
hop
trip
lunge
flutter
swim
pass
lead
extend
release
escape
move
travel
slide
leap
GO

be free
be free
be free

I am free
I am free
I AM FREE!

Grin and Bear It

Smile through the pain
but don't hold back the tears
you pour salt in my wounds
but i'll relish the burn
because the pain I feel now
will make me stronger tomorrow

there's a reason everyone tells me
to just grin and bear it
my grin may be a grimace
but I'll force it as long as I can
I'll never let you know
the real sorrow within

You can call me fake
but I know I'm a survivor
You take off your masks and
I'll take off mine
but who knows what either of us
will find left behind

To Sink or Swim

I'm stuck on this treadmill
getting tired from running
with the scenery never changing

I keep telling myself
it all gets better from here
but the see-saw effect of my
fluctuating emotions
makes it impossible to sort out
the progress from the regress

I refuse to give up
but can't bear to glance up
into the face of my destiny
glaring down on me with
a face so blank and austere

I can't get a read on the
one throwing me a life preserver
and sometimes think I'd
honestly prefer to keep on drowning

Open

swirling colors
flashing lights
muted voices
fading memories
confused emotions
lingering still
unanswered questions
lonely nights
unread books
unsung songs
silent screaming
moments frozen
dusty pictures
empty notebooks
turning circles
looking backward
rethinking decisions
questioning truths
pushing forward
taking strides
stumbling along
never stopping
open eyes
open mind
open future

Whatever You Do

flowery weeds
picked with care
hand-cut cards
glittery pink
special invitations
to secrets Broadway shows
basement circuses
and game nights galore
movie premieres
carefully planned
and practiced for hours
on long summer days
homemade scripts
memorized well
couch stages
and Halloween costumes
makeshift props
and Crayola signs

thrown away
ridiculed
turned down
with no RSVP
stood up
on my opening night
left to face
my audience of
stuffed animals
the basement's empty
the couch abandoned
you couldn't be troubled
to leave your own room
choosing TV over family
"Whatever you do
don't grow up to be
an actress"

tell me what you see
when you look in my eyes
tell me what you think
when you see where I am now
there will always be a seat
for you in the audience
how long it will be empty
is completely up to you
but I'll always look out
from center stage
I'll listen for your laugh
wait for the flowers
wait for the applause
and those five small words
I would die to hear

I
Am
Proud
Of
You

Reading

Life seems to be an optical illusion
the road before me keeps stretching longer
and the road behind seems to get even shorter
Is this really just a circular track
with subtle changes still fooling me?
Am I the character in this book
being reread by different voices with
slight story shifts but the same plot line?
I can't get caught up in this momentary monotony
there is more for me in the upcoming pages
drastic plot twists and all new characters
spoiler alert: it gets better from here

Blue...Green...Grey

haunted by the ghosts clinging to your heels
memory shadows, still there at every turn

its time to kick them off, jump up and fly
swallow your pride and let go of your bags

stare into my eyes and you'll see them morph and change
almost as swift as the shift of my future

we are children of the Unknown
floating, drifting but never quite landing

we are the Kings and Queens on this large life-chessboard
hello there, Future; you're looking awfully bright these days

Dear Dad

early Sunday morning dates
sprinkle donut, apple fritter
snuggles and Fresh Air and stick-shift
and the hugs that fixed it all

there for me in every moment
good and bad and in between
biggest fan and super hero
by the phone for every call

gentle guidance, perfect timing
deep discussions, silly jokes
teacher, pastor, counselor
for all my problems big and small

no matter distance, no matter time
I'm always yours, you're always mine
I may be far but you're my Daddy
and I'm forever your Babydoll

Artists

we are the dreamers
we are the seers
we are the believers
holding the world together
the real and the imagined
the true and the truer
the shouted and the whispered

we are the bridge-builders
between this reality and the next
we are the tour guides
to the worlds unknown
a child's world forgotten
we are the continuation
of the dreams others abandon

we are the caretakers
of the lives others push aside
we are the risk-takers
we make the decision to live
we remind others what living feels like
others stay grounded
while we choose to fly

Picture Perfect

A big white smile stretches across her face
A goofy grin spreads wide across his
Adorned in pink and black respectively, as per usual
Opposites but similars in the most perfect ways
A genuine laugh emerges from within
A gaze so loving that can't have been faked
Windblown yellow hair flies from the right
A little blue hair peaks out from the left
The warmth of their closeness radiates out
The realness of it all, openly displayed

But this is just a picture, just a moment captured here
The smiles and the laughs of that second- caught with a click
But they're all gone now- faded, yanked away
Never to be lived again, never to be felt again
All that's left of that heart connection
All that's left of those trusting looks, those loving smiles
Is in this picture in my hands
On my screen
In my dreams

Hindsight

looking back at months and years passed
it's so easy to get lost in the foggy nostalgia
tied down by the thick ropes of regret
caged up with the bars of lost emotions

its time to cry but my tears have run dry
i've hit an emotional wall and am still on my back
this hamster wheel lifestyle doesn't fit me at all
I'm done tripping over bad memories and nightmares

just when you think you've got your life pinned down
you realize you don't know a thing
your plans don't mean a damn thing
and making them is simply a mockery

am I the lone fool who can't figure it out
am I just so slow I'm the only one missing it
I can't find the magic answer for how to move on
from this mess I've gotten myself into again

Blink

I saw you in my dreams again last night
watching me, haunting me
I really shouldn't miss you but I do

Life is too short for all of this
too short for holding regrets
too short for petty bitterness
and far too short to hold on to
people who aren't there

we can blink and we're gone
all the things we worked for
all the dreams that we dreamt
all the plans that we made
blink
gone

We get caught up in the temporary
we live in it, breathe in it
can't even see past the arbitrary
but all it takes is a simple
blink
gone

I need to focus because I refuse
to blink my life away
I will not get caught up in the inconsequential
not any longer
I'm focused, I'm forward
I'm getting over you

You were my goal but it wasn't enough
you were my dream but I blinked

blink
gone

A Peek Into My Mind

climbing over caution tape
tell me no, I'll take it as a challenge

Everyone needs someone to believe in
everyone needs someone to believe in them

wake up from a nightmare
who do you wish was there

what happens when life's the nightmare
what happens when you're the one I wish for

my creativity is scatterbrained
I can't collect myself

time may be the great healer but
broken bones that go unset won't heal correctly

I'm not looking
I'm just waiting to be found

Doctor's Appointment

masked Concern
hushed voices
whispered worry
shuddered tones
plAstic smiles
comfortiNg hugs
gentle Condolences
swEet Remarks

stop it
i'm not dying
not yet

The Girls I Could Have Been

Never knowing
always wondering
don't speak out
swallow the pill
wash the dishes
tuck in the children
kiss him goodnight
rinse and repeat

Dragging feet
and whispered secrets
comfortable strangers
breathe easy now
house on a hill
life without worry
diamond studded cage
but sleepless nights

Subdued chaos
slowly fading
plastic smiles
worn out Bibles
muted arguments
taking sides and
suppressed beliefs
warped priorities

Never trusting
always wandering
no stability
no regrets
living on the edge
living out my dreams
maybe
but no promises

Preparations

Her smile's bigger
but I'm remembering how
I've learned so much
and I've come so far
but I've got so much further
I have yet to go
I've gained a new vigor
I'm holding out hope
I'm focusing in now
and letting it go
I'm reevaluating
principles of old
I'm reopening my eyes
and this time won't blink
Life's too short not to
follow your dreams
Life's too short so
I'm done wasting time
I'm hopeful and doubtful
I'm excited and terrified
I'm anxious and calm
I'm a living contradiction
but I'm more ready than ever
God make my heart ready
God make my heart new