What Doesn't Kill You...

My poison is my elixir
I keep going back to the hand that slapped me
The cuts stopped bleeding but the bruises are still fresh
"You never learn, do you"

My hand waits, empty
My eyes wait, pressed closed
My lips wait, slightly parted
My heart waits...waits...waits...

even though I know I'm the only one waiting

Please

There is so much inside
with nowhere to go
and nowhere to hide
but deeper, deeper.
I miss being known
almost as much
as I miss knowing.
Is it possible to suffocate
inside your own mind?
How about your own heart?
The next bullet
on my to do list
has a mind of its own
and I'm afraid it has a bit
of a tendency to aim
towards my overfull head
to release some tension
from the pounding, pounding
of thoughts and feelings...
secrets...those things that make me, me.
All dressed up and no where to go.
Please stop looking at me.
Please look a little deeper.
Some, please listen to me...
Please...please...
I can't scream any louder
but at best I'm still whispering.

Wait

thoughts like tumbleweeds
gather around memories sharp as cactus needles
Polaroid pictures snapped so quickly
of moments gone before the photo develops
half painted portraits and half full cups of coffee
nothing is quite the same when left unfinished
this half digested conversation doesn't sit well
and the half hearted responses are too hard to swallow
but my determination breeches all social niceties
and the bags under my eyes speak all too loudly
for the nights I've spent searching for remedies
to this fatal disease called unfinished business

Blue and Green

Its one of those days where my eyes are two different colors
and my mind is running in two opposing directions
and my intentions are consequentially unclear

As I alternate between running and falling
and I hide my head under the cover of night [in the middle of the day]
I realize its hard to see with your eyes closed
and its impossible to listen to what you refuse to hear

Why am I in the mood to love what I've lost
and pine after what could have been
running forward with your head turned back
is the surest way to fall in a ditch

What Feels Right Might Be Left

when the pieces don't fit
and the pages are missing

when the room's upside down
and the hallway is spinning

when the dots won't connect
and the lines become shady

when the questions aren't answered
and then world's far too heavy

just run away
run away
run far away

just run away
run away
run far away

No One Else Even Comes Close

Time has this silly ability to sugar coat the past
Frosting over the cracked memories making it easy to forget
that the cupcake you hold was once just a muffin
But after the frosting's been licked off
all that's left is an ugly, crumbling muffin
and you remember why you bought the frosting in the first place






So why is it that against all logic and reason I find myself craving muffins?

Ever So

Swinging and spinning
How long can I hang on
Especially knowing
There’s no one there
On the other end
Of this phone line
The dial tone sounds
But I can ignore
Just about anything
These days
Including
But certainly not limited to
The nagging feeling
Of loneliness that resides
In that small small space
At the base of my skull
Where my left-over thoughts
Sit and stew indefinitely
With that little voice
Of uncertainty
That reminds me that
Things are never as they seem
And more often than not
Trust equals Ignorance
And conflict arises
No matter how far
You run from it
Sign the check
Or tear it up
Just hurry up
And do something
Preferably drastic
Because I’m quickly
Losing interest
And the clock
Is ever ticking
So there’s no time
Like the present
Just say the magic word
And I’m yours
But don’t blink
Every time you do
Something changes
The world’s strange like that
Ever so strange.

Moments

nothing can prepare you for that fleeting moment when
the world stops spinning
your lungs stop breathing
your heart stops pumping
and the whole world's waiting for an answer

when did all of this become my responsibility
when did I grow up
when did I fall down
when did I give up
nothing can make this pain go away

no one has an answer to my questions anymore
did I do the right thing
was there another way
what happens next

I live for the moments
the pieces of conversation
the little remarks
the brush of a hand
the smile in your eyes
the second I forget its over

I live for the moments
and refuse to make plans
and refuse to lose focus
on the small and "insignificant"
because these are the things
I find my comfort in
now that I'm alone

What Goes Unsaid

peeling back through my mind for the worst case scenario
all traces of optimism suddenly desert me
and it pulls shred by shred at the heart in my chest
laid open as a target for the rock-throwing world
when it comes right down to it I'm not the most trusting
and the one I trust least is myself
because I find it to be that I am quite unpredictable
with a strong propensity towards tragic endings
pulling away into myself seems most promising
-though most lonely- so weighing my options is difficult
but when all things are considered it becomes clear to me
that I haven't a say in it at all

Internal Hell

put it down.
don't go back for more.
you're considering dessert?
how many calories are in that?
wow, that's three times are much as she's eating.
a size 9 might as well be a size 29.
being hungry doesn't mean you deserve to eat.
you don't deserve anything.
you really can't afford to skip the gym today.
you're so lazy.
they go running but you can't even run.
have you gained another pound?
you have absolutely no self control.
you're a fat cow.
things would've worked out with him if you were thin.
you'll never be beautiful at this rate.
obesity is just around the corner.
did you really just clean your plate?
was that meal healthy?
wow, that arm fat is really attractive.
you're too fat for him.
I think they're looking at how big you are.
why are you bigger than all your friends?
you're not capable of being small.
honestly, you're huge.
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control




helpme

Last Chapter

pages fade, turned one too many times
sharp paper cuts slice to reality
through the convoluted story line
though I have it dog-eared many times over
the characters remain unfamiliar
taking unexpected turns
where the path trails away
and I don't have the next chapter

flipping back a couple pages
I realize this isn't the same book
I started out reading
the Wicked Witch eats a granny
and the Wolf hunts for slippers
while the Hatter is leaving breadcrumbs
and Gretel considers the letter M

I find I'm chained to this story
though continually placed on the shelf
I wake up to find it under my pillow
again and again I trace my fingers over
the scrawling patterns of script
but the message never changes, never strays
just keep reading, don't skip ahead
the last chapter has yet to be written

Songbird

all I can do is wish the song was for me
but the songbird doesn't sing for just anyone these days
and this tune doesn't quite ring true for me anymore
so I'll quietly fade into the background of the lyrics
as my mind continues to wander uncontrollably
and I get lost driving down old roads
passing by old haunts and blowing through familiar stop signs
while I silently mouth those words that I almost believe
almost remembering who I am and where I'm going
the picture of us slowly slipping between my forefingers
my reaction time isn't fast enough to hold on
and the breeze sweeps it away along with those fake smiles
fingers trembling from the sudden loss
all I can do is grip the steering wheel a little bit tighter
and turn up the radio where I hear your voice again
screaming just a little louder than I remember
in a language I don't understand
but when I play it backwards I hear you calling my name
over and over and over again

Cobwebs

Spending these hours before the world awakens
flipping over hour glasses
turning back ticking clocks
dusting off forgotten calendars
rewinding lost films
and rereading previous chapters
new eyes staring at old pictures
new memories added to the old
new perspectives take on challenges of the past
but the dust makes me itch
and the cobwebs are closing in
as I fall through the moldy floors
of the attic of my mind
and the walls sag in around me
weighted down by the pictured memories
and tomes of histories
of all the Allisons that once were
but are no more
and all the ghosts chase me out the door
and down the creaking stairs
back to reality
back to the present
with my head so full of the thens
that I barely notice the nows
but suddenly I look around and realize
that this is all that matters
and I almost missed it...

so I locked the door to the musty room
of lost friends and sad days
and angry messages and unfortunate regrets
and unanswered questions and silly fights
and left the key behind
to be hidden under the piles of debris
and lost in the folds of my ever-working mind
and stepped out with a clear head for the first time in a long while

Resolute

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
or so the saying goes
but if we're being honest
I'd say that breathing makes the heart grow fonder
in my case, anyway
because I can't take more than a couple breaths
without wishing you were with me
It's astonishing the way in which
the brain makes associations
and how little things I run across
like burritos
and djembes
and pebbles
and lit trees
and shoelaces
and white pizza
and ice cream
and rock nature
and lone benches
and empty parks
and swingsets
and car rides
and certain songs
and white roses
all make me think of you
despite the distance
and the past
and the present
and the future
and the unknowns
and the uncertainties
and the impossibilities
or maybe because of those things
yes, definitely because of those things
it was because of all of those things
that I blew my midnight-wish-kiss to you