Look, Don't Touch

i'm just a fragile princess 

to be seen but never touched

locked away in my tower

for my own good

don't let me make decisions

don't let me speak at all

i'll sit back here 

the silent figurehead

you do all the thinking

and the talking

and the deciding

i'm far too young

and too naive 

i hardly know right from wrong

a baby to be cared for

and coddled

please take my hand and lead the way

because you never taught me how to crawl

can you imagine what would happen

if allowed to be myself?

if allowed to make decisions?

certainly i'm not ready for that

so for the time being i'll let you lead

but don't think i don't hear the words you say

even when spoken behind my back

don't think i don't know your real opinion of me

when talking to all your advisors 

…..but its for my own good

don't i get it?

its okay though, i'm not expected to understand

this is all just a bit too complicated for me

i'm a little slow

i can't stand on my own

thank goodness you're here for me

or else i might have to learn how to walk...

why am i so fragile?

maybe because i've never had the chance to live

Little Alice

frozen 

immobile

staring at my phone

shaking 

crying

i'm all alone

the pencil in my hands

falls to the floor

the note i was writing

remembered no more 

how long can i stand 

how long will i fall 

i love you

i hate you 

i'm at a brick wall

i'm tired of lies

but what is the truth?

what i once knew

is now an untruth?

i'm in a long hallway 

looking left and right 

not knowing which way to go 

my breath is caught tight

each way looks grim

is there a light at the end?

falseness and reality 

now seem to blend

has this all been a dream

or maybe a nightmare

either way the ups and downs

are more than i can bare

i'm stuck at an impasse 

there's really no way 

to come out happy

so maybe i'll stay

just where i am

no one needs to know

that i'm one of the damned 

that i put on a show

its time to come back, little Alice,

from Wonderland

or wherever you were

because i know firsthand

that rabbits don't talk

and dreams don't come true

and life won't make sense

no matter what you do

so come back little Alice

its time to awake 

you can't keep on living

a silly heartache

you can't keep on feeding 

this silly little fire

the dreams in your head

have long since expired 

so put down your pencil 

and lock up your heart

and hide away your secrets

cause sharing them's not smart

you'll be safe once again

all alone in your mind

and go back to your ways 

of stumbling blind 

with the pain that accompanies

dreams that fall through 

with no one right there

to tell them all to

but its not such a bad thing

its worked for so long

and fooling your friends 

isn't really so wrong

its all for the best

if everyone just thinks

that you are so happy

while your soul ship sinks

The Knife That Caused The Flood

supposedly i care so much
but when i look at you
i see past your fake outer smile
and see you're dying, too

the subtle looks i sometimes catch
reveal more than you know
they show your passion and desire
and how you pain will ever grow

i see your chest that's marred with wounds
that run thick with your blood
but when i look down in my hands
i see the knife that caused the flood

how can it be the one i care for
is the one i'm slaying
what can i do to stop this pain
at this point i'm just praying

praying that i'll know the words
to say what's on my heart
and praying that i'll have the strength
to keep from falling apart

Hearts Intertwined

our eyes met

the same old tune

my heart leapt 

across the room

you walked right by

my misery would resume 

unwilling to cry

but really, i asked for it

believing a lie 

its hard to admit

but i've fallen quite hard

now i'm unable to quit

I really ought to guard

the heart in my chest

at this point its marred 

i completely detest

the way we act

but its been addressed 

i try not to overreact 

but in truth i say

you've made your impact 

no matter how hard i pray

you stay on my mind

how long will things be this way?

maybe our hearts are meant to be intertwined...

Hypocrisy

The hypocrisy in this room

is so thick i could choke on it

You are always there for me

with a hug on your arms

and a knife in your hand

Now in my weakest moment

you come at me full force

hoping to push me and pull me

and break me in half

Well congratulations

you've done your job well

All I need is a hug 

all you offer is scorn

Heart-Cage

The feelings inside me

intense and strong 

cannot be contained

and i feel i will burst

My heart is an iron cage

meant to hold them all in

but what happens when there are simply too many 

swirling and pounding 

and screaming and crying

and pushing their way out?

How long will the cage hold?

The pressure built up inside 

can't stay contained forever

How can a volcano be tamed? 

How can an explosion be controlled?

My heart-cage aches and groans 

as the emotions inside

beat and pound against its bars

Every day I think of you

Every night I dream of you 

and every time I do

its just one more pound

How many pounds before the heart-cage breaks?

Are you still thinking of me?

Are you still dreaming of me?

That one small hope holds my heart-cage together

at least for a little bit longer

My Darkest Hour

I feel as if i'm drowning
in a pool of regrets and emotions
and pain and fear and resentment
and uncertainty and dreams

You knocked down the dam that held them all at bay
and now i'm being washed away...

I'm grabbing on to whatever i can
to keep my head above water
but these things end up just pulling me further down

A life preserver is thrown
but with ill intentions
and grabbing on only makes me weaker

I hold out my hand to see if you'll come
your arm so strong
and firm on mine
pulling me up from the depths of my lowest moment
...but you aren't there

Flailing and hopeless
weary and weak
lost and drowning
mouth open in a scream
with only one name on my lips...

My darkest hour

Alone


  

One Way Mirror

I was fine
I was content
or at least I was learning to be

all was quiet
all was well
all was manageable...

then you came
and you talked
and you worked your way in

and you loved
and you stole
now you're gone...

i know not by choice but by necessity
but that detail changes nothing, really

now i need you most
I'm alone and confused
but where are you?
gone, but not really...

i see you on the other side
of a cheap one way mirror
distorted and foggy
are you really there?

my life was a porcelain monument
but you came in and shattered it
and now my life is in shambles
and i watch you walk away...

did you care?
do you care?
i need you so badly
in one late night
i feel i lost everything

do you know what you've done?
do you know what you've stolen?
my security, my trust,
my confidant, my heart

where do i go from here?
how do i go from here?
how do i pick up the pieces?
how do i forget?

i have no one to turn to
no one to trust
no one who understands me
no one who knows

thanks.

I Miss You

i miss you

i miss your smile
with all the mysteries in the world
hiding behind it

i miss your laugh
your genuine laugh
that only emerged when you let yourself go
and let yourself be
just be

i miss the exasperated look
that i warranted so often
when my motives and intentions were hidden
from your all-seeing eyes

i miss the deep provoking thoughts you tossed my way
ever so subtly and yet so intentionally
that would grab hold of my subconscious
and shake it around until i was forced to reevaluate
the very things i understand the most
or understood...

i miss the way you knew me
the way you know me
they way no one knows me
does anyone know me?

hello, my name is ______
can we start from the beginning?
can i share with someone else?
can i open up again?
maybe i can

but i still miss you

Shades of Grey

If we aren't meant to be 

can someone please explain to me

why things keep happening this way?

when i close my eyes

its your face i see

when i stretch out my hands

its your fingers i feel for

when i'm all alone 

its your embrace i desire

when i listen in the silence

your voice rings through

singing and soothing and comforting

challenging and questioning and loving

making me see myself in a whole new way

you were the rose colored lenses 

held over my eyes

and now that you're gone

my world has returned to shades of grey

what we had was nothing

what we had was everything

what did we have?

it was a fleeting moment

a breath held as we dove underwater

but the breath never lasts

and now we've resurfaced 

and now its all over

we've washed up on the shore 

and we look at each other wondering....

did we really just hold the same breath

did we really just dream the same dream

did we really just think the same thoughts

live the same lives

feel the same love

but now its over

welcome back to shore

welcome back to greyscale

welcome back to reality

I Am Not A Poet

I am not a poet
I was never meant to be
But the words inside me need a way out
I will write until I can write no more
And maybe then will I understand my thoughts

Here is an insight to my soul
Here lie my thoughts and my worries and my cares
When spilled out on the ears of others
They come back; thrown in my face
When spilled out onto the pages on this blog
They can be finally laid to rest
Where mockery and skepticism can reach only so far
And the thoughts and secrets of my soul are forever untouched and unmoved
Only known

I am not a writer
I am eloquent in speech
But when it comes to writing
The words come out scrambled
So here's to those who choose to attempt to decipher my verses

You will find nothing extraordinary here
You will find nothing of great interest or experience
You will find nothing noteworthy or breathtaking or attractive
I promise little
Only that what I write will be true to my thoughts and my feelings
And my words will be organic and naked on the screen before you

I am not a poet
I am simply a Flower Quickly Fading
With a story to tell