Dial Tone

I could write a novel with all of the thoughts in my head but I can't seem to spit out the first sentence and they say that getting started's the hardest part but I'd be forced to disagree 'cause I don't think it gets much easier beyond that because once you get going you realize you've got to be open and open's not something I'm accustomed to being around many people these days due to the fact that it always leaves me broken and torn open and bleeding with no one around to help me stitch up the pain and the pain is what's left lingering long past the end of the party, past the end of the walk, past the end of the phone conversation where I'm still sitting there listening to the dial tone 15 minutes after the last "goodbye" and goodbyes seem to follow me or chase me maybe its hard to tell since I'm stuck on a ferris wheel of far too many goodbyes and far too few hellos it seems so unbalanced I'm not sure how I'm still on this ride it seems I'm due to fall off any day now but instead of falling down I think I'll probably fall up because that's the only place to go from here and down only leads to reality which is something I'm trying hard to avoid because I've realized lately that reality isn't fair and isn't right and doesn't add up and I know I'm not too good at math but I'd rather exist somewhere where 2 + 2 = 5 if that means when I wake up he'll still be alive and we'll still be in love and she'll still come around and all in all 5's a better number than 4 anyway but who am I to say?

Mr. Fear

I met Fear
We shook hands recently
Rubbed shoulders, actually
Turns out He's moved in to the empty apartment nextdoor
I needed a new friend as mine keep moving out
And He so readily became my newest, closest friend
That I didn't even notice as He started moving in
To my apartment, to my room, to my bed
We moved from friends to dating to engagement in record time
With a relationship so intimate I barely even realized I could no longer breathe
As His icy fingers enclosed around my lungs squeezing tightly
Until I finally stopped breathing and my eyes started closing
And my heart stopped beating and I died

Brevity

passing glances sting
fading memories persist
scars that will not heal




averting my eyes
cannot hide my jealousy
wish I were better




nothing else to say
walking on rocks clears the mind
time to cross the bridge




eyes once full of life
glance dimly around the room
is there no escape?




trust and commitment
nearly impossibly gained
so easily lost

Nighttime Delirium

and I lie awake for one more restless night
as the meaningless increments are kept in
perfect time by the brilliantly glowing
numbers that float through the air to my bed
and taunt me with their passing

I can't even say what is on my heart because
the words form knots before they even
reach my lips so I choke them back down
although occasionally I miss a few
and out they spew and stain the air before me

circling around the usual racetrack of thoughts
there goes my mind in first and last place
seeing no new roads and passing no new finish lines
only tiring of the same old skid marks
the same old flags and the same old trophies

tossing and turning doesn't actually do much
because the sheets become bars in my cage
of a bed and the dream catcher, a hypnotist
as my eyes follow its swinging dance
and the dark fades to light again

one of these days I'll find the courage to
make a change and to put a stop to these endless days
because enough is quite enough
I'm through with quoting silly lines without
the strength to make them mean something

so, here's to meaning something

Starlight is Best for Pondering

on nights such as this
I find my mind drifting
down almost forgotten memories
and lonely past smiles

on nights such as this
I find myself wandering
wishing I could wander
my way into you

on nights such as this
I find my thoughts lingering
on three words once spoken
that echo on still

Forever Has Seven Letters But So Does Goodbye

I'll write down my thoughts and write down my fears
then give them all to you, just lend me your ears
I'll act my heart out because its all I can do
to fully express what I'm feeling for you
because my words and actions get lost in translation
and most recently I've had this revelation
that the one thing that I've dreamt of repeatedly
is suddenly standing right in front of me

and my mind goes blank
and my hands start to shake


how can I stare into the depths of your eyes
how can I say what's on the tip of my tongue
how can I reach out and hold your hand
how can I hold you with me in a kiss

without staring
and saying
and reaching
and holding
forever

Shoelace

walks are never long enough
to say what should be said
how can I possibly open my mouth
and say all the things on my heart
I never thought I'd have this chance
and maybe its not really there
but I'm not a fan of wasting my time
and I won't stand for holding regrets
so give me a chance
to say what I mean
and mean what I say
once more

Wrinkles

uncertain overtones
do you know what I'm thinking
can you read through my mask
does my strong face deceive you

if I really was strong
I'd tell you what I'm feeling
I'd share all my thoughts
in a way quite nostalgic

but I'm not strong
I'm falling apart
I'm waiting for something
anything
one thing
to happen

I'm holding on
to faded colors
shredded memories
settled laughter

wrinkled paper
can never
fully be
smoothed out
again

Post-It Notes

the questioning heart
reaches out to grab me
I quickly glance away
but your stare has caught hold
it follows me away
to where I am most alone
I can feel it in the night
as I hold on to Africa
and the original-est Corn
while my thoughts carry me away...

what should I do as I reach this conclusion?
looking back I desire to move forward
but separation beckons on the near horizon
can a heart stay disconnected from a body for so long?


mine has.

Broken Mirrors Still Reflect

hesitant to go to sleep with nightmares that run rampant in my brain
but opening my eyes I see them still plainly before me
nightmares awake and asleep and in between
I'm stuck in a parallel world from where I used to be
I can see you here and hear your voice but you're stuck behind a broken glass
its a mirror of sorts and your image's warped but its you all the same
as you've always been
out of my pain I ran away in a blinded rage and stumbled upon my current fate and here I lie confused and alone but not alone and yet more alone than ever before
curiouser and curiouser I find my lot to be
as my past runs along ahead and my present lags behind
and the weight of current situations threaten to drown me yet
I long for freedom, long for choices, choices others always make for me
my heart lays in shards spread across a long table
a buffet line for all who walk by
but the one hand who comes bearing a question mark
makes more sense than those offering answers

Whisper Louder

I can't shed enough tears to express what I'm feeling
I can't run far enough in the opposite direction
somewhere along the line I end up back where I started
staring in the face of my greatest loss
my greatest friend
my dearest
my loveliest
my only true
...
it doesn't matter
what's past is past
what's gone won't return
what once was is laid to rest
the lines in the sand have been drawn

why can't I let go of that lone ghostly hand
why can't I shake off this deadly nostalgia
I'm lost and confused and not sure where to go
and your voice echoes by all the while

I've been reduced to living for whispers

The bad decisions add up, don't they?

and yet for all her beauty

she cried herself to sleep again


with no one to blame


but


herself

Dusk Falls

the sun it setting now
the last few rays peek over the horizon
but is that what determines night?
because I could have sworn dusk fell a long time ago

its time to say goodbye
this chain holds me a little too tight
I can't keep going forward
when I'm continually pulled in reverse

I've set myself in an invisible cage
but I'm here holding the key
its time to do what I know I need to do
its time to set myself free

Whisper

In the dead of the winter
when icicles grow
and snow flakes fall lazily
upon the fresh snow
the chill in the air
will blow past my fast
and I'll hear you in the whisper of the breeze

When spring time arrives
and the flowers awake
with their faces turn upwards
as the cold spell does break
the air is still chilly
as it brushes past my cheek
and I'll hear you in the whisper of the breeze

Seasons change once again
and summer turns hotter
the days are so long
and the plants yearn for water
more welcome than ever
the wind brings relief
and I'll hear you in the whisper of the breeze

Now autumn approaches
smells of spices waft by
and colors are shifting
as the plants start to die
and the wind, it turns chilly
as it rustles the leaves
and I hear you in the whisper of the breeze

To Say Goodbye In A Million Ways Is Simply Impossible

thank you in a million ways
for all the million little things
and all the million little words
that made my heart skip
made me shiver

thank you in a million ways
for every single little day
and every knowing loving look
that made me know
you knew me so well

thank you in a million ways
for all the times you made it clear
you loved me and you cared so deeply
cared so truly
through it all

Panic Ensues

tears falling faster
leaving confused trails
down my cold cheeks

old comforts gone
and new comforts
suddenly lacking comfort...

dizziness too familiar
grasping my consciousness
pulling me down

I miss you
secretly, strongly, crazily
can't let go

which way's up
what to do
I don't know

never so unsure
who am I
who are you

turning circles now
blindness all consuming
feeling myself falling

no one here
to catch me
its my fault

let me fall

Unpredictable

let's be unpredictable
let's dance in the rain
and run down the halls
and skip through the streets
and sing at the top of our lungs

let's be unpredictable
let's share our deepest secrets
and be unrealistic
and dream the biggest dreams
and never look back

let's be unpredictable
let's kiss on the beach
and roll in the sand
and hold each other close
and fall in love again

Not a thing makes sense

In the cinema of my mind
every room shows
a different life
a different future
a different me

I'm in a maze
that's never-ending
with thirty tunnels
thirty exists
thirty doors

Which do I take?

Every second ticking by
resounding loudly
threatening ominously
choose well, stupid girl
think fast
every step
just might be
in the wrong direction

only problem is I've lost my compass

Don't Feed The Mouth That Bites You

I'm finding myself running in circles
that run into walls
and I stumble backwards
wondering how I got where
I seem to be now
because I can't remember
quite where I was going

There once was a time
when I was so certain
of where I was going
and where I had been
but that time is long gone
my path's long since been convoluted
and the one who erased the trail
stands before me now offering direction

How can I take the hand that dropped me?
How can I trust the mouth that lied?
What can I say in explanation
you'll never know just what you took
Do you know what you left behind
back on the day I can't erase from my mind?

I've had to learn to stand up again
after falling so very far
What do you expect for me to do now?
I'm stumbling, yes, but at least now I'm walking

Pulling the Trigger

Everything hurts
Everything hurts
Everything hurts

Nothing makes sense
The tears keep on falling
Surrounded by mirrors
Where's the real me?
Where's the real you?

Falling into arms
but who's arms they are
its impossible to say

Someone dries my tears
but the hand is unfamiliar

I've walked a lot farther, yes
but have I made any distance?

With every new answer
comes a million new questions

Is this what a smile costs?

Fly Paper

my life is made of fly paper
everyone I brush by leaves a little something behind
with every new character I gain a new perspective
every new relationship adds new characteristics
I'm eclectic and scattered
like a jigsaw puzzle completed from 5 different sets
a lego castle of assorted pieces
a patchwork quilt of emotion and experience

but is this a bad thing?
am I expected to peel off the layers to find my true self beneath?
I am human made up of the lives I've lived by myself and with others
a real life matryoshka doll, but is the smallest doll the truest?

every time I have loved I have lost a little,
gained a little, lived a little
looking at me now as compared to the day I was born
you would see me plus life plus love plus hate plus emotion plus experience
and can it be said that there is a "me" separate from the rest?
I don't think so.

who am I?
I am a summation of who I have been, who I want to be
who I have known, who I have loved
what I have lost, what I strive for.
taking away any or all of these vital elements
removes the "me" from Me

yes, I have changed...because I have lived.

Passing Thoughts

let me hold your shaking hands
because mine are trembling, too
I am a professional illusionist
so close your eyes and let yourself believe
you pass by and catch my eye
a stranded glance, a feeble attempt
the crowded room might as well be empty
when you're the only one on my radar

Such a Fall As This

my mind could not be a more confusing place
twisting and turning through endless corridors
halls that lead Nowhere and Everywhere together
all bringing me back to the same Room of Uncertainty

is there an answer to be found?
does this maze even have an end?
can I believe in happily ever afters?
will anything ever make sense again?

up is down and left is right
I'm spinning still and lying around
and sitting up and standing down and
falling, falling, falling, falling

"After such a fall as this I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs!"

Please, Someone, help me up

Doors

"you could get any guy you want"
"you're beautiful"
"you're hott"
"you are unlike anyone else"
"life must be so easy for you"

that's funny.

I miss you
I miss trusting
I miss believing in love

doors open
doors close
doors lock

Bring It.

I am not who I once was.
For that matter, I am not who I was yesterday.
Tomorrow, I will be someone else.
This might have previously worried be, but today it only serves to excite me.

I have not always liked myself.
I have not always been a "good person."
I am not proud of my past.
I do not wish to return to it.
I have hurt people.
I have been hurt by people.
I have made countless mistakes.

However, I refuse to hold regrets.
I refuse to hold grudges.
I have let so much go and I won't pick it up again.
I have no where to go but forward, so I will.

I find myself at a transitional point in my life once again.
Here I face my last first day ever.
Its frightening.
Its exciting.
I'm ready.

I'm ready to learn a lot.
I'm ready to follow God.
I'm ready to have fun.
I'm ready to be in shows.
I'm ready to do what I love.
I'm ready to be with those I love.
I'm ready to be honest.
I'm ready to avoid needless conflict.
I'm ready to show God's love.
I'm ready to let go of fear.
I'm ready to forgive and forget.
I'm ready to move on and move up.
I'm ready to grow up.
I'm ready for one more year.

I don't plan on wasting a single second of this year on:
fears
arguments
anger
regret
grudges
strife
revenge
tears

I believe in living and learning.
I have lived a lot recently.
I have learned a lot recently.
Time to apply my latest lessons.

Here's to Senior Year.

Bring it.

I Never Was Good At Mental Math

I'm counting the days since I last cried that way
and its a much bigger number than I'm used to
and I'm counting the smiles that you put on my face
and its a much bigger number than I'm used to

I'm counting the things about you that inspire me
to entirely give up on the fears held inside me
and its a number so large I don't know what to do with it
so I guess I'll keep on running the impossible equation

Because what can I do when the numbers don't add up
to the expectations I previously set for them
and what can I do when my plans go askew
'cause you walked right in and flipped them upside-down

See, the trouble lies here in the mental math I'm doing
I've learned lots from the past -like that numbers don't lie
but this new kinda math that you're starting to teach me
shows that infinity might be within my arms length of reaching

You're all sorts of trouble just waiting to happen
and I think I'll need more than a calculator to figure you out
But all of a sudden I've seemed to take a liking
to the strange sort of math that you're bringing about

Bleed It Out And Move On

I'm starting over
and I'm moving on
I can breathe again
I am not a pawn
nothing holds me now
no one's telling me lies
seeing the future ahead
through my own eyes
you do not define me
I am flying free
no more silly promises
can ever hold me
I have found something
much more real than you
and I am chasing it
and I can see its true
my future is uncertain
I've never been more relieved
I'm over making plans
because I think you'd agree
that plans fall through
so I'm not planning this one
I'm living it out
day by day having fun
laughing and learning
and taking some chances
and letting go of fear
and dancing life's dances
I'm unstoppable
I will learn to trust again
and I will learn to love
you won't hold me back, old friend
See, I know who I am
where've I've been, what I need
and with every new pain
I've learned how to bleed
in a way that leaves scars
but drains me of the past
and I'm moving along
towards my future so fast
that I look back and see you
far away in the distance
and can now realize
I don't need your assistance
your lofty compliments
or empty poetic lines
you can't charm me again
because I now see the signs
I find you're not needed
take your game to another
I've moved on, you've moved on
so its time for one other
who doesn't feel abused
when I offer my care
and who honestly seems to be
straight from my prayers
so have a nice life
I hope you sleep well
I hope you keep on
I hope you're days' swell
this is goodbye now
you won't see me around
and when you wonder why
just remember the sound
of your voice once saying
"I'll always love you so"
and then your voice saying
"its time for me to go"

What You'd Never Expect

sly glance
shaky hands
lean close
feelings grow
eyes meet
hearts beat
nervous smiles
stretching miles
pulses race
narrowed space
fingers brush
faces flush
eyes flutter
breath shudders
paths shift
thoughts drift

Used

I am nothing
but an object
use me lose me
for your enjoyment
I'm a toy
your porcelain dolly
disregard my
human emotions
Don't you worry
I'll keep quiet
Let me fulfill
your every desire
Don't respect me
I'm not worth it
Its out of sight
and out of mind
so when I cry
just close your eyes

To Be In Love

being in love with you
is like sticking your head out the window
as you're speeding down the highway
and you try to breathe but can't

being in love with you
is like the feeling in your stomach
when you're on the Drop Zone park-ride
and for a minute you're in free fall

being in love with you
is like that moment in the movie
when the good guy takes the flashlight
and walks down the creepy cellar stairs

being in love with you
is like a lucid dream where you can fly
you feel the tug of reality but you
push it aside for one last taste of freedom

being in love with you
is both the best and worst feeling possible
it is a stabbing pain that fills me up
with warmth and joy and tears and fire

The Honest Truth

you're as invasive as sand
creeping into every corner
every crevasse, every crack
of my mind, my heart, my soul
refusing to leave
coming and going
it seems there's no going back

I pulled down the shades
and slipped into the blindfold
accepted the ignorant bliss
but I can no longer ignore
what is blatantly pressing
down onto my mind
and my sore, throbbing heart

you're here, you're here
whether you know it or not
you belong here and you are here
you never really left
I'm holding you here
but you're holding me too
and it feels like what
must be called love

We've All Got Our Suspicions

I've become so wary
suspicious
of everyone's intentions

I've lost my sense of trust
gone
questioning the motives

I second-guess myself
repeatedly
unsure of where I'm going

Keep looking over my shoulder
paranoid
of all the needless gossip

I'm becoming such a hermit
alone
because of my insecurities

Fourth

surrounded by half the city of Boston but never more alone
watching fire in the air to celebrate fire on the ground
breathing in the smoke and chatter and the muffled band behind
pushed along in crowds of thousands, out of many comes just one
swimming with the tide this time because it feels so natural
headed nowhere, headed everywhere, headed anywhere at all

Webs

It doesn't take much to push me over the edge
I live there every day and tend to ignore the safety rails
I'm the kind of girl who crosses streets blindly
I'm the kind of girl who's dangerous to be around

Don't get too close, you'll get caught in my web
Entranced by my charming smile, you'll never even notice
as the ropes of my web wind their way around your chest
slowly suffocating, losing consciousness, slipping away

I'm swallowed up in the jaws of nostalgia
pushing back the regrets and embracing the change
making the promises and accepting the past
its time to follow through at long last

Bittersweet Beauty

you're anything but ordinary
never quite able to blend in
a King among Pawns
fine wine in a paper cup

you walk by my window
and I see you staring in
but you see right through me
as you look at your reflection

your smile exudes energy and
the bittersweet beauty
of a plucked flower
here today and gone tomorrow

Gift Wrapped

passing out the placards
drowning in descriptions
writing on the name-tags
stereotypical inscriptions

take the easy way out
figure out what I could be
slap a name across my face
but never meet the real me

pick apart the pieces of me
you find you like the best
name them, blame them, show them off
and then hide all the rest

I am so much more than what
can fit on Hello I'm blank
don't even try to sum me up
or make me into something fake

I'm real, I'm round, I'm intricate
I'm confusing and I'm detailed
I've more sides than a Rubik's Cube
and I'm equally as veiled

So don't think you can wrap me up
and stick a bow on top
I won't fit in your box today
so you might as well just stop

Behind the Veil

I pray to God to catch a glimpse of what there used to be
I stare into the shattered mirror piecing back the memories
I strain my ears to hear a second of your voice just one more time
I close my eyes and see your face and promise never to blink again

I guess I'm not as far along as I thought I was

Fishbowl Effect

a fish in a fishbowl
looked out through the glass
caught glimpse of the ocean
and never went back
to the way he once felt
content and naive
he knew there was more and
he yearned now to leave
his little fishbowl
for a chance to swim free
with limitless water
in the wide open sea

Spoilers

flipping the pages
frantically searching
for glimpses of names
and places and things
I have a tendency
to read the last chapter
before starting the book
but life won't work that way
I don't get my spoilers
I have to wait it out
word by word
line by line
page by page
day by day

Summer Bird

summer bird
stretch your wings
open your beak
dare to sing

leave your cage
fly far away
you're strong enough
you don't have to stay

you were meant
for so much more
its open now
fly out the door

the world is yours
the sky is clear
there are no limits
release your fear

GO!

run
fly
skip
jump
hop
trip
lunge
flutter
swim
pass
lead
extend
release
escape
move
travel
slide
leap
GO

be free
be free
be free

I am free
I am free
I AM FREE!

Grin and Bear It

Smile through the pain
but don't hold back the tears
you pour salt in my wounds
but i'll relish the burn
because the pain I feel now
will make me stronger tomorrow

there's a reason everyone tells me
to just grin and bear it
my grin may be a grimace
but I'll force it as long as I can
I'll never let you know
the real sorrow within

You can call me fake
but I know I'm a survivor
You take off your masks and
I'll take off mine
but who knows what either of us
will find left behind

To Sink or Swim

I'm stuck on this treadmill
getting tired from running
with the scenery never changing

I keep telling myself
it all gets better from here
but the see-saw effect of my
fluctuating emotions
makes it impossible to sort out
the progress from the regress

I refuse to give up
but can't bear to glance up
into the face of my destiny
glaring down on me with
a face so blank and austere

I can't get a read on the
one throwing me a life preserver
and sometimes think I'd
honestly prefer to keep on drowning

Open

swirling colors
flashing lights
muted voices
fading memories
confused emotions
lingering still
unanswered questions
lonely nights
unread books
unsung songs
silent screaming
moments frozen
dusty pictures
empty notebooks
turning circles
looking backward
rethinking decisions
questioning truths
pushing forward
taking strides
stumbling along
never stopping
open eyes
open mind
open future

Whatever You Do

flowery weeds
picked with care
hand-cut cards
glittery pink
special invitations
to secrets Broadway shows
basement circuses
and game nights galore
movie premieres
carefully planned
and practiced for hours
on long summer days
homemade scripts
memorized well
couch stages
and Halloween costumes
makeshift props
and Crayola signs

thrown away
ridiculed
turned down
with no RSVP
stood up
on my opening night
left to face
my audience of
stuffed animals
the basement's empty
the couch abandoned
you couldn't be troubled
to leave your own room
choosing TV over family
"Whatever you do
don't grow up to be
an actress"

tell me what you see
when you look in my eyes
tell me what you think
when you see where I am now
there will always be a seat
for you in the audience
how long it will be empty
is completely up to you
but I'll always look out
from center stage
I'll listen for your laugh
wait for the flowers
wait for the applause
and those five small words
I would die to hear

I
Am
Proud
Of
You

Reading

Life seems to be an optical illusion
the road before me keeps stretching longer
and the road behind seems to get even shorter
Is this really just a circular track
with subtle changes still fooling me?
Am I the character in this book
being reread by different voices with
slight story shifts but the same plot line?
I can't get caught up in this momentary monotony
there is more for me in the upcoming pages
drastic plot twists and all new characters
spoiler alert: it gets better from here

Blue...Green...Grey

haunted by the ghosts clinging to your heels
memory shadows, still there at every turn

its time to kick them off, jump up and fly
swallow your pride and let go of your bags

stare into my eyes and you'll see them morph and change
almost as swift as the shift of my future

we are children of the Unknown
floating, drifting but never quite landing

we are the Kings and Queens on this large life-chessboard
hello there, Future; you're looking awfully bright these days

Dear Dad

early Sunday morning dates
sprinkle donut, apple fritter
snuggles and Fresh Air and stick-shift
and the hugs that fixed it all

there for me in every moment
good and bad and in between
biggest fan and super hero
by the phone for every call

gentle guidance, perfect timing
deep discussions, silly jokes
teacher, pastor, counselor
for all my problems big and small

no matter distance, no matter time
I'm always yours, you're always mine
I may be far but you're my Daddy
and I'm forever your Babydoll

Artists

we are the dreamers
we are the seers
we are the believers
holding the world together
the real and the imagined
the true and the truer
the shouted and the whispered

we are the bridge-builders
between this reality and the next
we are the tour guides
to the worlds unknown
a child's world forgotten
we are the continuation
of the dreams others abandon

we are the caretakers
of the lives others push aside
we are the risk-takers
we make the decision to live
we remind others what living feels like
others stay grounded
while we choose to fly

Picture Perfect

A big white smile stretches across her face
A goofy grin spreads wide across his
Adorned in pink and black respectively, as per usual
Opposites but similars in the most perfect ways
A genuine laugh emerges from within
A gaze so loving that can't have been faked
Windblown yellow hair flies from the right
A little blue hair peaks out from the left
The warmth of their closeness radiates out
The realness of it all, openly displayed

But this is just a picture, just a moment captured here
The smiles and the laughs of that second- caught with a click
But they're all gone now- faded, yanked away
Never to be lived again, never to be felt again
All that's left of that heart connection
All that's left of those trusting looks, those loving smiles
Is in this picture in my hands
On my screen
In my dreams

Hindsight

looking back at months and years passed
it's so easy to get lost in the foggy nostalgia
tied down by the thick ropes of regret
caged up with the bars of lost emotions

its time to cry but my tears have run dry
i've hit an emotional wall and am still on my back
this hamster wheel lifestyle doesn't fit me at all
I'm done tripping over bad memories and nightmares

just when you think you've got your life pinned down
you realize you don't know a thing
your plans don't mean a damn thing
and making them is simply a mockery

am I the lone fool who can't figure it out
am I just so slow I'm the only one missing it
I can't find the magic answer for how to move on
from this mess I've gotten myself into again

Blink

I saw you in my dreams again last night
watching me, haunting me
I really shouldn't miss you but I do

Life is too short for all of this
too short for holding regrets
too short for petty bitterness
and far too short to hold on to
people who aren't there

we can blink and we're gone
all the things we worked for
all the dreams that we dreamt
all the plans that we made
blink
gone

We get caught up in the temporary
we live in it, breathe in it
can't even see past the arbitrary
but all it takes is a simple
blink
gone

I need to focus because I refuse
to blink my life away
I will not get caught up in the inconsequential
not any longer
I'm focused, I'm forward
I'm getting over you

You were my goal but it wasn't enough
you were my dream but I blinked

blink
gone

A Peek Into My Mind

climbing over caution tape
tell me no, I'll take it as a challenge

Everyone needs someone to believe in
everyone needs someone to believe in them

wake up from a nightmare
who do you wish was there

what happens when life's the nightmare
what happens when you're the one I wish for

my creativity is scatterbrained
I can't collect myself

time may be the great healer but
broken bones that go unset won't heal correctly

I'm not looking
I'm just waiting to be found

Doctor's Appointment

masked Concern
hushed voices
whispered worry
shuddered tones
plAstic smiles
comfortiNg hugs
gentle Condolences
swEet Remarks

stop it
i'm not dying
not yet

The Girls I Could Have Been

Never knowing
always wondering
don't speak out
swallow the pill
wash the dishes
tuck in the children
kiss him goodnight
rinse and repeat

Dragging feet
and whispered secrets
comfortable strangers
breathe easy now
house on a hill
life without worry
diamond studded cage
but sleepless nights

Subdued chaos
slowly fading
plastic smiles
worn out Bibles
muted arguments
taking sides and
suppressed beliefs
warped priorities

Never trusting
always wandering
no stability
no regrets
living on the edge
living out my dreams
maybe
but no promises

Preparations

Her smile's bigger
but I'm remembering how
I've learned so much
and I've come so far
but I've got so much further
I have yet to go
I've gained a new vigor
I'm holding out hope
I'm focusing in now
and letting it go
I'm reevaluating
principles of old
I'm reopening my eyes
and this time won't blink
Life's too short not to
follow your dreams
Life's too short so
I'm done wasting time
I'm hopeful and doubtful
I'm excited and terrified
I'm anxious and calm
I'm a living contradiction
but I'm more ready than ever
God make my heart ready
God make my heart new

Can You Feel It?

never stop questioning
never settle for less
never stop learning
always press forward
expand your knowledge
free your mind
fight complacency
take control of your life
choose your tomorrow
take a stand
believe in something
fall in love
know yourself
stop wasting time
follow your dreams
be unrealistic
express yourself
feel everything strongly
be artistic
let go of regrets
never say never

Life Maze

I find myself obsessed with the reflection of perfection
the image of lies constructed so cleverly
putting my hopes in the faulty and mirrored
racing after goals that lead to dead ends
what is the purpose of all this pursuing
do the inconsistent ends truly justify the means
what determines the finish line and who picks the runners
why am I stuck on this circular track
staring at life through a fun house reflection
disproportionate and blown up and polarized beyond recognition
where did I get this pair of shaded glasses
how did I develop this dizzying tunnel vision
arrows pointing down shadowed alleyways
promising rewards of gold plated medals
dreams that rust and tarnish and fade
I'm done chasing after a fairytale ending
I'm finished aspiring for the dreams of another
it's time to start living for goals of my own now
it's time to meet myself as myself without others
wholly and unapologetically and bravely and true

The Grown Up Truth

There once was a Little Girl
with wavy platinum hair
who used to hold her stuffed unicorn
and stare down at the pages of her princessy books
into the worlds of magic and fairies
and knights and princes
and witches and kindgoms
and she dreamt every night
that she could wake up there
wake up as the Princess she knew she was meant to be
the Princess of Everything Happy

But that little girl with the wavy platinum hair
is a little bit taller
and little bit wiser
and she's taking those books
and closing them up and returning them to their shelves now
where they've always belonged
She's waking up from the dream
because in the dream her castle walls had started to crumble
her moat had dried up
her fairies disappeared

because real princesses don't live in castles
with princes and fairies and moats
Real princesses have real responsibility
real disappointment, real fear
can you handle that, sad Princess of Nothing
can you realize that what you're living isn't real
come back to the real world, little Platinum Haired Girl
come back and grow up
its time

Ultimate Artist

Look at a sunset and tell me God's not an artist
Listen to the birds sing and tell me God's not a musician
Watch the seasons take their turns and tell me God's not a director
The ultimate Artist, Musician, Director
Before you tell me I'm silly, unreasonable, pathetic
Before you tell me I'm stupid, unrealistic, lazy
Before you tell me I'm unmotivated, hopeless, lost
Remember
We are artists, musicians, directors
Our art pales in comparison to that of the ultimate Artist
But we are artists nonetheless
We have been called by the ultimate Artist
To display the beauty of the world in every way we can
To you it may seem trite
But I promise you its not
So before you insult our calling
Before you rebuke us for actually living while you wither away
Before you discard us as wasted potential
Remember
We are artists after the heart of The Artist
And that is absolutely nothing at which to scoff

The Illusion of Time

I think my heart's a little too broken
I think its a little too late for me now
I think my trust is a little too damaged
I think its time for me to move on

To Find Freedom in the Falling

I want to fly far away
to a land unseen
and discover new foods
new places new things
I want to leave all of this behind
and meet new people
in new towns in new theaters
I want to jump fully into life
and take it all in
to laugh and love
and live and swim
in each and every ocean blue
they always flow and never stop
neither will I and neither should you
I'm spreading my arms
and turning around and
letting myself fall
all the way to the ground and
feeling the wind rush past as I go
and letting my mind whirl
and letting my emotions flow
I'm finding freedom in the falling
in the release
the jump the expression
the simple act of blind belief
and through all of this
I will find my relief

The Excitement of the Unknown

looking down my Life Trail
its impossible to see
where the future curves and bends
and where I'll end up being

but that's just part of the appeal
not knowing what's ahead
I tend to like to cling to plans
but I'm running blind instead

See, I've noticed that I have a way
of getting myself lost
when I cling to maps drawn up by hand
but knowing's not worth the cost

So I'll set off without a plan
with prayers on my lips
and trust only in God above
as I embark on my Life Trip

Caught Up

winding turning
fits like clockwork
stop and go
and pause for traffic
grab the paper
put on earphones
run up stairs now
past the glass walls
past the history
new meets old
and old meets new
humming motors
street performers
screaming vendors
crying birds
water calls up
visitors new
licking tongues
that stretch far out
long leashed dogs
strain with their masters
photographers stop
to muse
lounging poets
sunning beauties
avid walkers
coffee drinkers
follow sidewalks
get caught up in
the school of fish
that's never-ending
ever flowing
feels more like home
than anything else
Boston, Mass
I love this city

Change the World

what is there left to do
but try to swallow the regret
the pain, the fear
the confusion and uncertainties

I don't know what to want anymore
I wanted you back but the trust we once had
is now so far gone, too far gone
What can I even hope for except your happiness

So I hope you enjoy your time with her
[whichever her we're talking about]
I hope you find yourself, your amazing self
I hope you reach your dreams, achieve your goals

The future is yours, darling
nothing can stop you now except yourself
So run forward full-force because I know you can do it
Change the world, baby, because you know it needs changing

Where To Go

promises made
words spoken that
never landed
won't take hold

all's forgotten
within a week
moving on to
the next girl

sitting still
slightly shaking
trembles persist
spinning thoughts

turning memories
unsure dreams
what can I hope for
nothing's left

Fly Away Little Leaf

The wind is blowing
and I'm a leaf
Just fallen from my shaky tree
I'm all caught up
in tumbling waves
of billowing air
I fly away
Tossing, turning
Tumbling, twisting
This flight is exhilarating
No thought of where I'll land
If I'll land
Just flight
Just sky
Watch the world below me
Spin!
No one can predict
my final resting place
It could be anywhere
Anywhere!
All I know is
it won't be in another tree!

Curtain Call

What's most sad to me
is that my love isn't past tense
but I've always been one that was
easily forgotten

I'm crawling along now
still putting together the pieces
to a puzzle that won't fit
and make a pretty picture

I've got to give up this
crazy dream inside my head
because they don't come true
I've learned that full well

In truth, a Princess doesn't need
anyone around her
because if no one's there to start with
no one can leave either

I think I'm missing a crucial something
that makes my love binding
because when I gave it all
it still couldn't take hold

Maybe I have an emotional block
that won't let my care be apparent
I do believe some people are meant to be alone
I suppose I may be one of them

Every word I spoke was true
every time I said those three
and more and more I meant them all
so now I'm unsure what to do

If I couldn't convince him they were real
I might as well not try again
because I had never tried so hard
I don't think I have it in me

I think I'll take my bows now
as gracefully as a dying Princess can
hold on to what's left of my tiara
sweep up my tattered gown

I'll leave behind the wreckage
that my love apparently causes
and lock up my destructive heart
from causing future pain [on both parts]

I'm finished with this fairytale
I'm finished dreaming these dreams
I am incapable, I am a failure
I am a nightmare, I am not real

Let yourself forget me
wake up from the nightmare I was
I'll still be here loving, missing
but don't let me hold you back anymore

Just know my love isn't past tense
just know I truly deeply cared
just know I would have died for you
Just know you're still my closest friend

The Neverending

I hope one day I'll know what I did wrong
You gave your all
but so did I
the words you now speak to her
echo all the things you used to say to me
each one a stabbing pain
a memory fading
you say I took advantage
but won't tell me of what
I only tried my best to love
you called me a blessing
you called me your best friend
you told me I was good for you
why the lies?
I would have done anything for you
how is that taking advantage
I would have died for you
how is that taking advantage
if you'd once opened your mouth
and let the truth emerge
if you'd once opened up
and let me know how to love you best
There was no game
I was only trying
to be the best I could for you
I gave you my trust my hope
my love my heart
I gave you my care and let you in
farther than anyone I've ever known
what didn't I give?
I took what you gave me
but you gave it to me, after all
and I gave it all back
so what went wrong?

Brevity

as I sit here numb from crying
the only thought in my mind is you
staring forward eyes still drying

unable to think, unable to feel
swallowed by regrets
wishing I could show you my love was real

but its time to move on now
that much is quite clear
only problem is I don't know how

Poison

I built up a future around an idea
that crumbled and faded and melted away
I depended too greatly
I fell a little too hard

I can see through it now
What was once a wall is only a screen
everything's clearer and I can breathe easy
the lies have all washed clean

Be free, my love
learn who you are
follow your passions
be fantastic, because you are

Spread your wings and fly
find the love I couldn't give
I wish only the best for you, my dear
and I know now that's not me

You were my dream come true
and I was your nightmare
but don't give up on better dreams
because I'm waking up now

You freed my mind and captivated my soul
I loved with a love so strong and pure
you were my saving grace and blessing
so I have to let you go to find better

I always knew I was nothing
but I thank you for the gentle lies
and the encouragement that got me through
I will forever be grateful to you

Try to remember me not as a poison
but as a misguided friend
who cared so deeply
but failed to show it

Musings on Memories

memories are curious things, are they not?
they are only a glance through a foggy mirror into an event from the past
why do we smile in pictures but to alter the way we remember that time of our lives?
perhaps we felt like crying, but the picture will forever remind us otherwise
it is impossible to look backwards with perfect clarity
our present circumstances and emotions provide us with a colored glass
through which we view our pasts
throwing those memories into a new and altered light
sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse
with the presence of this glass we are able to view the best time of our lives
as miserable and intolerable
and vice versa
this way of seeing the past is a means of coping
of moving on from a set of memories or staying rooted in them
we rarely choose the glasses we wear
while watching the films of our past
they simply and inevitably exist
maybe its merciful, in a way
perhaps pure clarity would be too much to bear

To Know Me

To know me is to love me
and then to leave me
and then forget me

Its a repetitious cycle
and frankly its losing it appeal
I'm tired of this life of deja vu

If you want to know me
learn to know my art
I'm horrible at introductions

I should come with a warning label
"Will not be enough"
"Leave now before the pain kicks in"

The memories come in cycles now
I'm haunted by my own heartbreak
don't get close I'm damaged

I won't look fragile
but don't trust appearances
touch me and I'll shatter

You'd think I'd have caught on by now
I'm clearly not the brightest
but I think I got it this time

I'm tired of being played
the words won't work on me anymore
the charm's worn off, I'm blind no longer

I've developed an allergy to touch
and an aversion to connection
You call it cold, I call it smart

The girl you knew isn't here anymore
she grew a brain and a bigger force field
no one's getting that close again

Blinded

who will want me now
I am locked in a past that may never have existed
holding on to something that I'm told never was
clinging tightly to a promise that now can't be kept
reliving moments that weren't what I thought they were
reciting words that didn't mean what I thought they meant
seeing things now that I never saw before
realizing how much of a fool I truly was
but I still dream of the life that I thought I was living
stuck in a cycle that only causes pain
who will want a faded flower

Dare To Dream

have you ever felt the inevitable?
reached out and touched the impossible?
jumped headfirst into the unlikely
and fully embraced uncertainty?

have you ever shaken hands with the far-fetched?
been introduced to the unfeasible?
held a conversation with the unimaginable
and been on first-name basis with the unrealistic?

have you ever gotten to know the impractical?
received a hug from the unachievable?
high-fived the unthinkable
and had a chat with the inconceivable?

have you ever dared to dream a dream
that everyone told you not to dream
but you went ahead and dreamt it anyway?
was it everything you thought it would be?

Even If

I thought of you today
but then, that happens every day
All the things I wish I could share
So many things I wish I could say

What I wouldn't give for a hug
just to look into your eyes again
to know that you are there for me
to tell you all my stories

I never knew a love so deep
it chills my veins and
lights my heart on fire
It makes me feel alive

Do you think of me sometimes?
Do I cross your mind now?
Am I a past regret?
Was I just a mistake?

I just want to thank you
even if I was a bad decision
you gave me the best times of my life
you opened my eyes in so many ways

I've thought a lot about it and
if given the choice I'd do it all over again
gladly accepting the pain
for a chance to experience the love

Trust

I'm having to trust
Trust that what you said what true
Every time you said "I love you"

I'm having to trust
Trust that I'm not the only one who
is fighting and struggling my way through

I'm having to trust
Trust that I'm not pathetic
for crying these tears every day that make me sick

I'm having to trust
Trust that what we had was real
and that it can survive this and that we can heal

I'm having to trust
Trust that you miss me too
and you think of me as often as I think of you

Well, Is It?

Is it bad that I miss you this much
Is it bad that you're the only one I want to talk to
Is it bad that you're always on my mind
Is it bad that I think you are the one
Is it bad that I want to care for you
Is it bad that I listen to your music all the time
Is it bad that I read your posts over and over again
Is it bad that I cry a lot
Is it bad that I'm holding my breath for a text that isn't coming
Is it bad that I'm still in love with you

Real Life Fairytale

Once upon a time we lost ourselves in Quincy
played at several playgrounds
and lost a hat of yours
but neither of us cared then

Once upon a time we took a walk together
ended up at the shore
sat along the wall there
shared a secret love kiss

Once upon a time we held hands waiting backstage
nervous and excited
sharing the energy
and it was so comforting

Once upon a time we went to see Shakespeare
sat and watched the whole thing
marveled at the acting
held hands as we walked back

Once upon a time I visited the hospital
sat along your bedside
talked for many hours
because the time just flew by

Once upon a time we climbed a tall tree and
you held my hand in yours
and we looked down through the glass
it felt like we were flying

Once upon a time drove over to Lancaster
sang through a whole CD
laughing at the irony
not caring how we sounded

Once upon a time we kicked a little pebble
turned it into a game
tried to keep it safe and
soaked up all the silliness

Once upon a time we tried to bake cinnamon rolls
couldn't even open them
had to bring out a knife
but they tasted so good

Once upon a time we sang a song together
voices mixing magically
harmonizing wonderfully
we said we'd do it again

Glass Cages

Looking at the giant glass structures looming overhead
monuments to order and wealth and business
I realize that I'll always be on the other side
[the outer side that is]
gazing in and walking by but never entering
with my camera/script/guitar/pen and pad in hand
I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm the one on the outside who can keep walking
I'm the one with the emptiest pockets and the biggest smile
I'm the one who's living
You can have your fat pay check and your high status
You can keep your political standing and lofty opinions
You can hold on to your stone-carved plans and futures
You can live in your glass cages
I want more than that
I want to be free
I want to keep walking without a plan
I want to live and breathe and feel
I don't need money or practicality
I don't want structure and promises for the future
I don't need expensive things when I can find beauty in the parking meters

I Am A Rememberer

I bring people to life
I tell their stories
For every character out there
[no matter how extreme]
there is a human counterpart
I give them life
and a chance to be known,
understood, loved, remembered
We all inevitably pass on
but stories can survive
I am the preserver of stories
I am the preserver of life

We All Get Caught Up In The Tornado Of Life

Stuck in a whirlwind
the leaves in the tornado
ever swirling, carried along
gathering speed and distance
but never really getting anywhere
how can a leaf move on
from the only tree its ever known
but how can it go back?
it can't, really

a small duckling
waddling slowly
trying to keep up with its family
a small child finds her
picks her up and strokes her
puts her down next to her mom
but there's no going back
she's not full duck anymore
rejection, loneliness
how can the duck live on without its family
how can the ducky go back now?
she can't, really

cotton is grown and then
picked and then shipped
and spun into clothing
and sold and then worn
but pulling apart the clothes
by its threads you'll see
it can never become cotton again in the same way
its a new substance now
its never known this life
how could it go back to the fields?
it can't, really

the caterpillar crawls along
feeding and squirming and living
and due to its instinct
one day when its had its full
it hangs upside-down
and allows life to take its course
and days later, eating its way out again
it can stretch, it can fly
its transformed to something foreign
to something its never experienced before
how can it leave behind everything it knows
how could it go back to its first state?
it can't, really

and why would it want to?

Hanging On

I'm hanging on to every word from your lips
but the only ones I have left are from the past
did you mean what you said
because I meant every word
and I mean them all still
and I'll still follow through

The seconds tick by then the minutes then hours
and I sit here watched them wondering how long
until I hear from you again
until I see your face again
until I can breathe again
but I shouldn't wait for it

Standing on your own when you've always had a hand to hold
is an extremely daunting task I now realize
but I'm up for the challenge
I can learn how to walk
I can learn how to breathe
I will make you proud of me

And I Swing Back Again

Can't you see I'm crying for my best friend?
Can't you see I'm missing your laugh?
Can't we try to turn back the clock now?
I'm not looking for a romance, dear
I'm just looking for my very closest friend

You would have been proud of me today, I think
but I can't tell you, no I can't tell you
I'm getting dizzy from turning in circles
looking for you now, looking for you now

You were always right there, just being my friend
I need a friend now, I'm missing you now
I just want to talk, to laugh, to trust
I just want to share, to listen, to learn
Hi, how was your day? Mine was good thanks for asking

People will always be there to tell you
their opinions of your life
opinions that could make you question everything
but as you ask your questions
let me ask one
was it all a mistake?
or were you ever really happy?
can you remember when we were
what we were
when we were?

Let's take a step back
into the past a minute
Let's take a long walk
Let's walk to the beach
Or sit on the stone ledge
at four in the morning
Or go to the library
and study a while

But I'll keep to myself
Its worked so long anyway
Its just hard to go back
to a life so detached
it was enough for me before
but now I know there's more

now I know there's more

How I Start My Days [These Days]

I am strong.

I am independent.

I can do this.

I will be productive today.

God loves me.

God has a plan for my life.

I am worthwhile.

I am beautiful.

Breathe

inhale, exhale
focus with me now
was it real?
it felt real to me but
what does that really mean
now that it has vanished
it was the only real thing
it was the only thing that mattered
but now its gone...
i must have blinked
...
gotta keep breathing

inhale, exhale
it was so sincere
it was so intense
it was so powerful
it made so much sense
i thought
i thought
did i blink again?
where does my life keep going?
...
i keep forgetting to breathe

The Cure

everyone wants to diagnose me
everyone wants to cure me
everyone wants to pin me down
slap a label on me
I'm easier to deal with that way
give me a name tag
tell me what's what
give me the pills to swallow
I'm depressed
I'm lonely
I'm stressed
I'm overworked
I have exaggerated expectations
I am an overachiever
I am a perfectionist
I worry too much
I can't attach
I become too attached
I am pathetic
I am obsessive
Its a spiritual issue
Its a psychological issue
Its a mental issue
Its a physical issue

Maybe I'm just in transition
stop labeling me and find out my real name

Everyday Miracles

are we all blind?
or are we just forgetting to open our eyes?
we spend so much time looking for signs
just try looking up at the sky
look to the flowers displaying every color
or at the mountains rising high
look at the hills rolling smaller
marvel at the birds as they fly by
miracles are overlooked every day
we are all a part of nothing less
than a grand masterpiece in the making
look into the eyes of a small child
wonder and love can be found within
gaze upon the valley slopping down low
shaded with leaves of every hue
watch as the rain falls ever gentle
see how the snowflakes put on a show
watch as the butterflies dance ballet
and long-necked flowers fight to grow
sit on the beach to watch the sunrise
sit in a grassy meadow to watch it set
witness a powerfully strong tornado
watch how the dew sets in the early morning
plant a small seed and watch it grow taller
catch a pine cone within your hands
marvel as a deer stop to sip some water
listen to the sound of the breeze in the wind
observe as a squirrel hide its acorns
watch as a woodpecker drills a deep hole
find a small stream and feel its cool trickle
see all these things then come and tell me
you can't find evidence of God's mighty hands

Reflections

Wasted Time
I will not dwell
I will not whine
I will push forward
I will grow
I will learn
I will mature
I will let myself be lead by God
Summer
I will take advantage of it
I will be productive
I will get to know myself
I will be independent
I will become stronger
I will smile
I will laugh
Life
I will enjoy it
I will survive
I will live it to the fullest
I will reach my dreams
I will be a Godly woman
I will be inspiring
I will be thankful for it
The Past
I will let it stay in the past
I will learn from it
I will move on from it
I will not look back
I will not be the same
I will not let it define me
I will not let it repeat
The Future
I will not worry about it
I will not plan it out
I will not hide from it
I will work for it
I will embrace its uncertainties
I will take it as it comes
I will look to God for the answers

Living Love

Upon arrival in this world, you're the closest to heaven that you'll ever be.
You are surrounded by love, held by love, cradled in love.
Living is loving.
You cannot have one without the other.
God is love.
You can come to know God through love.
Love is alive.
God's love is perfect and we can see God is every loving interaction.
God's love provided us with a way to be free.
Our greatest hope in life is to experience that same love with others.
The closest you can come to someone is through loving them.
Love people.
Love people with an unconditional love.
Love people with a Godly love.
Love fully, love passionately, love completely.

Pain is a fracture in love.
God loved and created us with love.
We broke that love by disobeying and through that, pain entered the world.
The same is true on a much smaller scale.
When love is broken, you feel it.
Its wrong, its sad, its lonely.
A break in love hurts everyone involved.

However, love is fragile.
Love does break.
It fractures and splinters.
We live in a world where love was broken and the only pure love left is God's love.
Broken love hurts more than any other pain in this world.
But what's important is what happens next.
What happens after love breaks?
You have to keep going.
You have to keep loving.
You can't give up on love.
Living is loving.
Loving is living.
God is love.
You come to know God through love.
You cannot come closer to your Creator than through experiencing love.
So thank God for the love God has put in your life.
Love while you can.
Love people.
Love people with an unconditional love.
Love people with a Godly love.
Love fully, love passionately, love completely.
Although you know it may be broken, love anyway.
Keep loving with a broken heart.
On my death bed, I want to know that I loved.
I loved everyone.
I cared for everyone God put in my life with a Godly love.
I am not perfect but with God's help, I can love perfectly.
Live life, Love life, live Love.

"But the greatest of these is love"

Pathetic

I let myself go
I let myself feel
I let myself be known
I let myself be free
I let myself care
I let myself open up
I let myself want
I let myself realize
I let myself relax
I let myself invest
I let myself plan
I let myself dream
I let myself live
I let myself believe
I let myself trust
I let myself love
I let myself love
Why did I do that?

Please come back.

Stumbling On

sometimes all I can do is sit here and cry
and remember the warmth of your arms around me
and the feel of your shoulder beneath my head
how you would cradle me when I was sad
now all I have left is the memory
of the perfection of those moments

mornings are the hardest time of the day
as I lay in my bed and stare up at the ceiling
and pray to God that I'll have enough strength
to get up and put on the smile again
and push on, with a heavy heart, through the day
and i try, try, try not to think of you

I don't understand how I can keep going
when I'm stuck in the past
(am I really this pathetic?)
and I'm just so afraid you're forgetting me now
and I'll be the only one who's broken to pieces
without someone left to help reassemble me

so I cry out through the silence
and push myself on
I've always believed in pushing myself
and this time its truly paying off
I'll just trust God will give me the strength that I need
and closing my eyes, I'll keep running on
stumbling on
crawling on

Daily Battle

every new day is a brand new battle
stand up tall or you'll be knocked down
choose your words carefully
manage your thoughts or you'll lose your mind
hold your breath for that one message
living on the brink of sanity
can you make it? can you hold out?
don't be the one to break the silence
you must be stronger than the day before
but
you are weak still
you give in still
desperate for some brief connection
losing battles is your hobby
and today is no exception
fleeting wishes dashed again
and you are defeated like yesterday
[and the day before, and before that...]
will you ever catch on, Hopeful?
don't you see the pattern there?
how can you be blind to this one
how can you still hold your faith
but
maybe there's a reason for this
maybe the outcome's bound to differ
maybe one day you'll win the battle
so keep on rising each new day
although the same old battle waits
and keep on fighting hard as ever
and keep on losing day after day
because who knows if maybe one day
you can say it was all worth it in the end

Must Break Free

sinking sand and
clapping hands and
clicking heels and
ferris wheels and
ticking clocks and
music box and
water falls and
bouncing balls and
turning doors and
creaky floors and
melting wax and
racecar tracks and
bumper cars and
shooting stars and
clicking keys and
buzzing bees and
spinning fans and
ruined plans and

must break free of
must break free of
must break free of
all these cycles

Practice What You Preach

I always speak of trusting God
and giving up my all
but in this matter I find that
I can't let down the wall
that I have built inside my heart
from feeling all this pain
but giving in is not defeat
its letting God remain
to be the one in charge of my
short time down here on Earth
so though I'm hurt I'll let it go
and pray for what its worth
that God will help give me the strength
to hold on if I should
or if its time to move on now
He'll make it so I could
give up this love so genuine
and deeply rooted down
inside my heart and soul and mind
before I seem to drown
in all this grief I'm carrying
I need to let it go
so God if you are listening
please hear now that I know
that I am silly just to think
that though I'm very small
I can handle holding this
impossibly large ball
of rough emotions eating me
and turning my world grey
so God please either give me strength
or take this love away

To Smile With A Broken Heart

There once was a little girl.
She was enthralled by the magic of life.
She found joy in the purest of things...in rainbows and butterflies and flowery weeds, in puddles and snowflakes and piles of leaves.
Her laugh was infectious and her smile so bright.
The little girl was so full of hope and joy that she couldn't contain it and was known for putting a smile on the face of every passerby.
But innocence doesn't last forever.
There came a time when the little girl was introduced to the darker side of life...the side of life where storms and danger exists.
Where butterflies don't fly and unicorns don't exist.
She ran into this new world skipping and smiling, but in this new world, her joy was not welcome.
For the first time, she saw the dark side of life.
She felt pain.
Looking around, her heart became heavy.
Her fantastic smile turned upside-down and tears like raindrops that once formed her favorite puddles fell from her now-cloudy eyes.
The little girl looked around for a way to get back to her world of innocence but innocence cannot be won back.
She was alone.
The little girl wasn't so little anymore.
The naive girl wasn't so naive anymore.
She grew up.
Soon she realized there was no going back to the way life used to be.
Her smile didn't show anymore.
Instead of skipping, she walked with her feet dragging.
Passing by a faded mirror, she didn't recognize herself anymore.
She looked older, sadder, alone.
How did this happen?
She didn't like this new girl in the mirror.
The girl realized she had to find herself again, but in a new light.
She realized now that the world is dark.
The world is painful.
The world is sad.
The world is confusing.
The world isn't fair.
How is it possible to smile in such a world?
But she tried anyway.
The girl stood in front of the mirror and watched as the corners of her mouth started to curve upwards for the first time in a long time.
It felt almost foreign and yet strangely nostalgic, like a dream almost forgotten.
She had almost forgotten how to smile, but not quite.
It took a minute but finally, there it was: her brilliant smile.
It wasn't the same smile.
You can now see pain and tears and knowledge and life behind it.
But it is a genuine smile.
Still looking in the mirror, the girl realized something.
The world is painful.
The world is sad.
The world is confusing.
The world isn't fair.
However, she could still smile.
She realized that rainbows and puddles and flowery weeds don't exist without the rain.
She realized that she could still smile through her tears.
She realized that she could still love with a broken heart.
So she did.

My Memory Won't Let Me Forget

Promises were made
that now cannot be kept.
But don't you forget
that the words I see
are words I always remember.

I want to marry you

the idea of losing you is more than i can take

i love getting to talk with you and grow closer to you. i am so in love with you

i'll always come back to you

i want you to hold me together…you are the only one who does

seriously i am so in love with you more and more every day

life is so much better when you're around

i wish i could be with you to encourage you

we're in this together, okay love? for life.

What did this mean?
Where are you now?
Please don't forget me
Because I can't forget
I won't forget
How could I forget
the only true love I've ever known?

i'll always come back to you

I meant everything I said.


Did you?

Panic Attack

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone

I believed you.

Don't Try To Make Sense Of The Senseless

as a child, it all makes sense
keep between the lines and it will be alright
but one day you wake up and realize
the world isn't all black and white

everyone else gets the best of you
and I just settle for what's left
'cause honestly I want any part of you
among my friends, you're the best

maybe happy endings don't exist
maybe fairytales don't ever come true
but can't you give me a chance
to be the one that's there for you

skip the medicine, pass the poison
I know what's best but I won't have it
forget the treatment, I'll take the pain
I will not rest, I will not sit

facing giants makes me feel smaller
choosing stones passes the time
but baby you are my Goliath
and this battle is all mine

live with the feeling
go with the flow
anything could happen now
this is something you should know

life cycles keep moving on
night turns in to day
time to get up and get going
time to pretend its all okay

But Life Won't Wait For The Weak

late night walking
wandering lost
one stands tall
the other falls
let the truth show
swallow tears
left to wonder
left with fears
clutching tight
to memories passed
slipping through
her fingers fast
thoughts are swirling
heart is breaking
tears are streaming
body aching
hold yourself
you're all alone now
pray you'll make it
you don't know how
it all adds up
except for one thing
if this is right
why is she hurting
clarity comes with the sunrise
so go to sleep now
just close your eyes
let the memories replay
and just thank God
for every day
you spent with him
and if you're right
your last embrace
won't be that night

I Faded

gone

Internal Monologue

the corners of her mouth curve up into that familiar smile
the perfect mask for the deep-seeded sorrow residing in her chest
her fake smile usually helps ease the pain a bit
but today the sorrow threatens to rise up in her throat and choke out all traces of air
suffocating on one's own sorrow is a pitiful and painful process
shaking her head, she forcibly swallows it back down and pushes the plastic smile once again

when will you realize what i am?
when will you give up on me?
when will you decide you've had enough?
when will you realize i'm not worth it?
I'm not good enough.
i am nothing.

they're living two lives and they both know it
their secrets cannot hide in the dark
midnight lures out the truth at last and fake emotions run to bed
when smiles sleep, sincerity emerges
keeping up with this bipolar lifestyle is exhausting

how long can we keep this up?
will it all be worth it in the end?
if we ignore it, will it simply go away?
when will it be real?
what is real?

Revelation

I'm looking for clarity in a broken mirror
as hard as I look it won't get any clearer
my future is blurry, my past is a mess
the present is pressed down hard on my chest
I try hard to swallow but can't take in air
looking for comfort when it simply isn't there

when stumbling through life backwards you're bound to trip
I'm the lone actor on this empty stage performing without a script
tell me what to do now, love, tell me what's expected
all my life I've looked elsewhere to be perfected
but perfect's not what I'm after anymore
I've a whole life ahead of me to explore

just to clarify what I mean a bit
I'm saying I'm thoroughly over it
I'm finished being your little play-thing
when in fact, to you, I'm nothing
believe it or not I can stand on my own now
I'll find my own way even if I don't yet know how

I'm listening to a call much higher than yours
I'm going after something with a passion for more
more than you can offer me and more than you can see
something freeing and obscure and something meant for me
I know i'm meant for certain things, things oft misunderstood
just because I'm told to be reasonable doesn't mean I should

Take A Walk With Me

take a walk with me, my darling
away from heavy thoughts
leave them there still in your room
and let the gentle breeze consume
your thoughts with sweet aroma

take a walk with me, my darling
and leave behind your worries
look out upon the far horizon
stretch your limbs and settle in
for a nice, long stroll

take a walk with me, my darling
we can walk all night and day
cover your eyes and pick a direction
our footprints still the only indication
that we even exist at all

take a walk with me, my darling
our only boundary is endurance
only the stars will be our guide
the only time limit is our lives
the only goal is freedom

take a walk with me, my darling
where expectations don't exist
into a land devoid of cares
we follow our passion, they follow their's
and judgement cannot reach us

so take a walk with me, my darling
and forget all other things
lets find ourselves
among fairytales
and never awake from the dream

Oh To Live Without Fear

There's nothing I can say or do.

I'm standing in an intersection, watching the cars fly by around me in all directions.

I cannot be convinced I'm worth it.

Walking down paths backwards gets disorienting at times.

Peeling back the layers gets more painful the deeper I go.

Certainty would be nice, but seems to be evasive as of late.

I'm losing my ability to connect, stumbling away from severed connections, one after another.

I search your eyes for what I'm yearning for but only find my confused reflection.

God help me find my way.

Holding you back is propelling me forward.

The clock is ticking, decisions need to be made.

Long walks, counting rocks, kicking pebbles, eating burritos.

Memories of old combine with ones more recent, have I ever let go?

I'll wake up tomorrow a brand new girl with the same old problems and worries.

I'm just fighting the calendar at this point.

Spin the globe and I'll stop it with my eyes closed.

Comparisons are drawn; that much is inevitable.

Everything I knew has flown out the window.

Home is an illusion and security is temporary.

The warmth of your hand lasts long after you're gone.

I'm scared.

Tomorrow's You

you can't live in the past forever
you can't hold on to things that were
drop your bags at the door now, my dear
wipe your feet and come in
take your coat off, stay awhile
and let the heat of present fire warm your hands

you take what you can get
but try to leave the rest behind
i'm told we live and learn
but let's focusing on learning to live
drop the weights that hang from your shoulders
leave them where they lie

you look back to see where you were
but you don't recognize your own face
what you see is all in shadows
and what you need to know is that's okay
let the fog cloud up the mirror now
realize you don't have to have the answers

the past only follows you if you'll allow it
kiss it goodbye and throw it to the wind
the current of life will sweep you along so
grab what matters most and let the rest go
you might lose yourself along the way
or you might find a self that you've never known

is it better to stay in the comfort of yesterday's skin
or dare you risk trying on a different suit?
you may never know who you really are
your selves may forever stay as strangers
you know who you were but let's just look ahead
because freedom is there and tomorrow's you is waiting...

Be Perfect, Therefore

Be Perfect, Therefore
I'm not even close
to your picturesque goals
that throw me to the ground
as you bury my casket

Be Perfect, Therefore
I cannot measure up
to your fake, lofty standards
unreachable lies
you continue to spout

Be Perfect, Therefore
you say that you love me
then why not accept me
you push me away
please don't leave me this way

Be Perfect, Therefore
maybe one day I'll learn
but until then I'm dyin
held under the waves
of high expectations

Be Perfect, Therefore
but you'll never know
how deeply you've cut me
you've stunted my growth
while I carry YOUR burden

But
Be
PERFECT
Therefore
As
Your
Earthly
Mother
Is
Perfect
...
or something like that, right?

Eyes Of The Beholder

fear entangles
doubts are blinding
anxiety won't
let me go

reason mumbles
snares entangle
shadowed memories
cutting deep

you reach in
and find me broken
wipe away
my teary eyes

hold my hand
and lift me upward
cradled in pure
care's embrace

starting slow the
loving work
of bandaging my
many wounds

showing me through
bold example
love of hearts
guided by God

future unknown
past receding
hand in hand
you lead me on

undeserving
ever grateful
always loving
won't let go

Certainty's Less Certain These Days

the wind tunnel effect of my fluctuating emotions
pummel me to the ground in frustrated despair
I fight to understand that which will never be transparent
the feelings that were are the feelings most feared

what happened on that unforgotten night?
what hid behind that unforeseen kiss?
words come clean, what stands behind them?
two of us torn in polar directions

which words are real and which ones are hiding?
hold my hand tight before I let go
willing myself to keep on believing
that which I knew but is now so uncertain

the unknowns of life are what keep me on needles
the moments i miss keep me up in the night
certainty's certain is never an option
choking back words on the tip of my tongue

how long will I strain against my own chains
every new word only strengthens their grasp
saving me only would take you a moment
but moments like those seem unable to pass

And You'll Never Really Know

Crossroads
up, down, left, right
except there is no right
close your eyes and feel your way along
hold your breath and jump off the edge
let go...let go...

Trust
push out the doubt
take the pill, swallow quickly
all the signs confirm your fears
ignore, breathe, repeat
repeat...repeat...

Release
take hold of bitterness
of anxiety, of fear
pull off your harness and bit
flush out the poison you've been inhaling
be free...be free...

Commit
grasp the reality dangling before you
take hold of the outstretched hand
humble yourself to the help you're avoiding
realize this is all real
accept...accept...

Moments Before

Places! Places!

peering through the thick black darkness
blueish tint o'er well-worn scripts
small red light winks from the shadows
dark red curtains thick and bold
shaking hands and shifting bodies
fade out, black out, lights up, go!

Welcome To The Process

do we control our art or are we controlled by it?
do we live by impulse following thoughtless faulty pleasures?
do we drop all loyalties when inspiration calls?
do we break other ties in desperate attempts to follow desire?
do we forget how to relate in order to relate to our calling?
do we choose imagined characters over living, breathing friends?
do we live in the process instead of living in reality?
do we deny real connections to feel free to live our art?
do we jump at the chance to feel when fully numb?
do we rely on applause to remind us we're alive?
do we hold our breath, refusing to breathe without conviction?
do we sacrifice just to feel like we're succeeding?
do we choose this life or are we somehow set apart?
do we know who we are or are we looking to be found?
do we exist in the flesh or are we drifting muses marked?
do we know what we want or are we running forward blindly?
do we experience emotion or does it simply flow through us?

do we control our art or are we controlled by it?

do we control our art or are we controlled by it?

One Night More

The echos of my cries are swallowed
in the empty dark surrounding
places I have fallen while walking
spinning circles have no end
The hand the held mine once still lingers
distances unmeasured more
The time flies by but crawls back softly
It's only one night more

There has to come a change of pace
the sunrise follows set
The end of this is so inevitable
but slows so I forget
Remember what was once spoken near
Cling to memories so dear
How much longer can we wander
Alone for one night more

I see the shadows taunting me
transparent embraces dangled near
Your voice, so soothing, drifts away
my ears now long to hear
My arms once warm now start to cool
The stories they could tell
rewarm my heart and push me on
Forever one night more

I Might Need Some Visine

My biggest fear is having to go out- leaving behind all of the security I've built up thus far in my life- and have a staring contest face to face with Failure, not sure who will win out but unwilling to give up and blink away my dreams until my eyeballs literally dry up and fall out of my head...

Beauty Incarnate

Beauty incarnate
Holds the trembling spoon
guilt ridden and disgusted
its the same old tune

Beauty incarnate
avoiding the mirror
obsessing over pant sizes
failure is nearer

Beauty incarnate
she'll binge and she'll purge
how much more can she take
future's song is a dirge

Beauty incarnate
enough's never enough
her body is failing
but she's always been tough

Beauty incarnate
her smile, once bright
isn't seen any more
she's given up the fight

Beauty incarnate
potential unrealized
and now its too late
lost in a fight for the idealized

Beauty incarnate
who will stop this sick game
for the next blind beauty
'fore her fate turns the same

I Contact Eyes

I stare into the eyes of despair, hopelessness, despondency, and defeatism. Eight eyes, four pairs, searching my face for the things they lack: love, hope, safety, security. I look at them; they look even deeper back at me. Their dead stare penetrates my soul. An almost solemn still settles among us all. The silent is unsettling, and my eyes shift between the eight. All eight eyes keep on staring, as if too exhausted to do much else. There is almost a comfort in their sorrow, as if it is all they know, and they know it well.

The four older eyes stare with a tired, worn gaze. Those eyes have seen more than most ever will. They have looked upon a world with no mercy for the unfortunate. They have met the eyes of others, more fortunate, with no time to spare. They have been ignored and embarrassed and unknown. Those four eyes have seen the side of the world that most others try to hide. The four old eyes have been looking for a long time, never seeing what they hoped to see; yet they are unwilling to blink, unwilling to close. Bloodshot and sore, they stay open to give strength to the younger four eyes beside them.

The younger four eyes look on with a different type of desperation, mingled with restrained hope and confusion. Already they have seen too much they cannot understand. They have not been sheltered from the difficult side of life like many eyes their age. They have watched as those other eyes their age have looked upon plates of food and school textbooks and shiny toys…and then looked upon their own empty plates, ratty books and used toys. They have looked into their parents’ eyes and seen the weight of the world cried out in heavy tears.

Those eight eyes burn through my skull and imprint their stories and endless sad tales into my brain in a way that I am sure will haunt me forever. Their intensity shakes me to my core and forces me to search my memories for times when I have met similar eyes. How did I respond? Did I show those eyes things they had never seen? Did I show them love, kindness, respect, help, time, or care? Or did I simply avert my eyes from theirs, fitting in perfectly with the parade of strange eyes that pass them by every day without a second glance?

I look back into those eight slate eyes. It’s hard to hold the gaze. I realize now what they are looking for: a change, a difference, a foreign tendency. I struggle not to look away as my head pulls to the side. I know I’m not worthy of meeting those eyes, but am unwilling to give up yet. I realize that above all else, they don’t need money or food. They need my eyes to meet theirs and feed them something else. So, I force the eye contact they desire and give them all I have. I do my best to show them all the things they have been missing…

Is it enough? I could never give enough. Those eight eyes have given me more than I could ever give them. Although they look on wearily, there is a secret strength that hides in the cores of their pupils, and I have drawn from that strength. I now know I can face the other eyes of the world that look on in the same fashion. I now know that I won’t blink them away, but hold their gaze and give them the love that they deserve, but don’t know. Today I have made eye contact with eight, seemingly unimportant eyes, but in doing so; I have met the eyes of Jesus.

Magnets Speak Louder Than Words

delete dream weak
trip picture
language manipulate
want ache frantic
show delirious
have balance
summer
sad repulsive raw
gift music
sleep together
storm
want one
pink she
erupt who me
think behind
bed play eat