The Cure

everyone wants to diagnose me
everyone wants to cure me
everyone wants to pin me down
slap a label on me
I'm easier to deal with that way
give me a name tag
tell me what's what
give me the pills to swallow
I'm depressed
I'm lonely
I'm stressed
I'm overworked
I have exaggerated expectations
I am an overachiever
I am a perfectionist
I worry too much
I can't attach
I become too attached
I am pathetic
I am obsessive
Its a spiritual issue
Its a psychological issue
Its a mental issue
Its a physical issue

Maybe I'm just in transition
stop labeling me and find out my real name

Everyday Miracles

are we all blind?
or are we just forgetting to open our eyes?
we spend so much time looking for signs
just try looking up at the sky
look to the flowers displaying every color
or at the mountains rising high
look at the hills rolling smaller
marvel at the birds as they fly by
miracles are overlooked every day
we are all a part of nothing less
than a grand masterpiece in the making
look into the eyes of a small child
wonder and love can be found within
gaze upon the valley slopping down low
shaded with leaves of every hue
watch as the rain falls ever gentle
see how the snowflakes put on a show
watch as the butterflies dance ballet
and long-necked flowers fight to grow
sit on the beach to watch the sunrise
sit in a grassy meadow to watch it set
witness a powerfully strong tornado
watch how the dew sets in the early morning
plant a small seed and watch it grow taller
catch a pine cone within your hands
marvel as a deer stop to sip some water
listen to the sound of the breeze in the wind
observe as a squirrel hide its acorns
watch as a woodpecker drills a deep hole
find a small stream and feel its cool trickle
see all these things then come and tell me
you can't find evidence of God's mighty hands

Reflections

Wasted Time
I will not dwell
I will not whine
I will push forward
I will grow
I will learn
I will mature
I will let myself be lead by God
Summer
I will take advantage of it
I will be productive
I will get to know myself
I will be independent
I will become stronger
I will smile
I will laugh
Life
I will enjoy it
I will survive
I will live it to the fullest
I will reach my dreams
I will be a Godly woman
I will be inspiring
I will be thankful for it
The Past
I will let it stay in the past
I will learn from it
I will move on from it
I will not look back
I will not be the same
I will not let it define me
I will not let it repeat
The Future
I will not worry about it
I will not plan it out
I will not hide from it
I will work for it
I will embrace its uncertainties
I will take it as it comes
I will look to God for the answers

Living Love

Upon arrival in this world, you're the closest to heaven that you'll ever be.
You are surrounded by love, held by love, cradled in love.
Living is loving.
You cannot have one without the other.
God is love.
You can come to know God through love.
Love is alive.
God's love is perfect and we can see God is every loving interaction.
God's love provided us with a way to be free.
Our greatest hope in life is to experience that same love with others.
The closest you can come to someone is through loving them.
Love people.
Love people with an unconditional love.
Love people with a Godly love.
Love fully, love passionately, love completely.

Pain is a fracture in love.
God loved and created us with love.
We broke that love by disobeying and through that, pain entered the world.
The same is true on a much smaller scale.
When love is broken, you feel it.
Its wrong, its sad, its lonely.
A break in love hurts everyone involved.

However, love is fragile.
Love does break.
It fractures and splinters.
We live in a world where love was broken and the only pure love left is God's love.
Broken love hurts more than any other pain in this world.
But what's important is what happens next.
What happens after love breaks?
You have to keep going.
You have to keep loving.
You can't give up on love.
Living is loving.
Loving is living.
God is love.
You come to know God through love.
You cannot come closer to your Creator than through experiencing love.
So thank God for the love God has put in your life.
Love while you can.
Love people.
Love people with an unconditional love.
Love people with a Godly love.
Love fully, love passionately, love completely.
Although you know it may be broken, love anyway.
Keep loving with a broken heart.
On my death bed, I want to know that I loved.
I loved everyone.
I cared for everyone God put in my life with a Godly love.
I am not perfect but with God's help, I can love perfectly.
Live life, Love life, live Love.

"But the greatest of these is love"

Pathetic

I let myself go
I let myself feel
I let myself be known
I let myself be free
I let myself care
I let myself open up
I let myself want
I let myself realize
I let myself relax
I let myself invest
I let myself plan
I let myself dream
I let myself live
I let myself believe
I let myself trust
I let myself love
I let myself love
Why did I do that?

Please come back.

Stumbling On

sometimes all I can do is sit here and cry
and remember the warmth of your arms around me
and the feel of your shoulder beneath my head
how you would cradle me when I was sad
now all I have left is the memory
of the perfection of those moments

mornings are the hardest time of the day
as I lay in my bed and stare up at the ceiling
and pray to God that I'll have enough strength
to get up and put on the smile again
and push on, with a heavy heart, through the day
and i try, try, try not to think of you

I don't understand how I can keep going
when I'm stuck in the past
(am I really this pathetic?)
and I'm just so afraid you're forgetting me now
and I'll be the only one who's broken to pieces
without someone left to help reassemble me

so I cry out through the silence
and push myself on
I've always believed in pushing myself
and this time its truly paying off
I'll just trust God will give me the strength that I need
and closing my eyes, I'll keep running on
stumbling on
crawling on

Daily Battle

every new day is a brand new battle
stand up tall or you'll be knocked down
choose your words carefully
manage your thoughts or you'll lose your mind
hold your breath for that one message
living on the brink of sanity
can you make it? can you hold out?
don't be the one to break the silence
you must be stronger than the day before
but
you are weak still
you give in still
desperate for some brief connection
losing battles is your hobby
and today is no exception
fleeting wishes dashed again
and you are defeated like yesterday
[and the day before, and before that...]
will you ever catch on, Hopeful?
don't you see the pattern there?
how can you be blind to this one
how can you still hold your faith
but
maybe there's a reason for this
maybe the outcome's bound to differ
maybe one day you'll win the battle
so keep on rising each new day
although the same old battle waits
and keep on fighting hard as ever
and keep on losing day after day
because who knows if maybe one day
you can say it was all worth it in the end

Must Break Free

sinking sand and
clapping hands and
clicking heels and
ferris wheels and
ticking clocks and
music box and
water falls and
bouncing balls and
turning doors and
creaky floors and
melting wax and
racecar tracks and
bumper cars and
shooting stars and
clicking keys and
buzzing bees and
spinning fans and
ruined plans and

must break free of
must break free of
must break free of
all these cycles

Practice What You Preach

I always speak of trusting God
and giving up my all
but in this matter I find that
I can't let down the wall
that I have built inside my heart
from feeling all this pain
but giving in is not defeat
its letting God remain
to be the one in charge of my
short time down here on Earth
so though I'm hurt I'll let it go
and pray for what its worth
that God will help give me the strength
to hold on if I should
or if its time to move on now
He'll make it so I could
give up this love so genuine
and deeply rooted down
inside my heart and soul and mind
before I seem to drown
in all this grief I'm carrying
I need to let it go
so God if you are listening
please hear now that I know
that I am silly just to think
that though I'm very small
I can handle holding this
impossibly large ball
of rough emotions eating me
and turning my world grey
so God please either give me strength
or take this love away

To Smile With A Broken Heart

There once was a little girl.
She was enthralled by the magic of life.
She found joy in the purest of things...in rainbows and butterflies and flowery weeds, in puddles and snowflakes and piles of leaves.
Her laugh was infectious and her smile so bright.
The little girl was so full of hope and joy that she couldn't contain it and was known for putting a smile on the face of every passerby.
But innocence doesn't last forever.
There came a time when the little girl was introduced to the darker side of life...the side of life where storms and danger exists.
Where butterflies don't fly and unicorns don't exist.
She ran into this new world skipping and smiling, but in this new world, her joy was not welcome.
For the first time, she saw the dark side of life.
She felt pain.
Looking around, her heart became heavy.
Her fantastic smile turned upside-down and tears like raindrops that once formed her favorite puddles fell from her now-cloudy eyes.
The little girl looked around for a way to get back to her world of innocence but innocence cannot be won back.
She was alone.
The little girl wasn't so little anymore.
The naive girl wasn't so naive anymore.
She grew up.
Soon she realized there was no going back to the way life used to be.
Her smile didn't show anymore.
Instead of skipping, she walked with her feet dragging.
Passing by a faded mirror, she didn't recognize herself anymore.
She looked older, sadder, alone.
How did this happen?
She didn't like this new girl in the mirror.
The girl realized she had to find herself again, but in a new light.
She realized now that the world is dark.
The world is painful.
The world is sad.
The world is confusing.
The world isn't fair.
How is it possible to smile in such a world?
But she tried anyway.
The girl stood in front of the mirror and watched as the corners of her mouth started to curve upwards for the first time in a long time.
It felt almost foreign and yet strangely nostalgic, like a dream almost forgotten.
She had almost forgotten how to smile, but not quite.
It took a minute but finally, there it was: her brilliant smile.
It wasn't the same smile.
You can now see pain and tears and knowledge and life behind it.
But it is a genuine smile.
Still looking in the mirror, the girl realized something.
The world is painful.
The world is sad.
The world is confusing.
The world isn't fair.
However, she could still smile.
She realized that rainbows and puddles and flowery weeds don't exist without the rain.
She realized that she could still smile through her tears.
She realized that she could still love with a broken heart.
So she did.

My Memory Won't Let Me Forget

Promises were made
that now cannot be kept.
But don't you forget
that the words I see
are words I always remember.

I want to marry you

the idea of losing you is more than i can take

i love getting to talk with you and grow closer to you. i am so in love with you

i'll always come back to you

i want you to hold me together…you are the only one who does

seriously i am so in love with you more and more every day

life is so much better when you're around

i wish i could be with you to encourage you

we're in this together, okay love? for life.

What did this mean?
Where are you now?
Please don't forget me
Because I can't forget
I won't forget
How could I forget
the only true love I've ever known?

i'll always come back to you

I meant everything I said.


Did you?

Panic Attack

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't do this
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I thought I could
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
About so many things
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone

I believed you.

Don't Try To Make Sense Of The Senseless

as a child, it all makes sense
keep between the lines and it will be alright
but one day you wake up and realize
the world isn't all black and white

everyone else gets the best of you
and I just settle for what's left
'cause honestly I want any part of you
among my friends, you're the best

maybe happy endings don't exist
maybe fairytales don't ever come true
but can't you give me a chance
to be the one that's there for you

skip the medicine, pass the poison
I know what's best but I won't have it
forget the treatment, I'll take the pain
I will not rest, I will not sit

facing giants makes me feel smaller
choosing stones passes the time
but baby you are my Goliath
and this battle is all mine

live with the feeling
go with the flow
anything could happen now
this is something you should know

life cycles keep moving on
night turns in to day
time to get up and get going
time to pretend its all okay

But Life Won't Wait For The Weak

late night walking
wandering lost
one stands tall
the other falls
let the truth show
swallow tears
left to wonder
left with fears
clutching tight
to memories passed
slipping through
her fingers fast
thoughts are swirling
heart is breaking
tears are streaming
body aching
hold yourself
you're all alone now
pray you'll make it
you don't know how
it all adds up
except for one thing
if this is right
why is she hurting
clarity comes with the sunrise
so go to sleep now
just close your eyes
let the memories replay
and just thank God
for every day
you spent with him
and if you're right
your last embrace
won't be that night

I Faded

gone

Internal Monologue

the corners of her mouth curve up into that familiar smile
the perfect mask for the deep-seeded sorrow residing in her chest
her fake smile usually helps ease the pain a bit
but today the sorrow threatens to rise up in her throat and choke out all traces of air
suffocating on one's own sorrow is a pitiful and painful process
shaking her head, she forcibly swallows it back down and pushes the plastic smile once again

when will you realize what i am?
when will you give up on me?
when will you decide you've had enough?
when will you realize i'm not worth it?
I'm not good enough.
i am nothing.

they're living two lives and they both know it
their secrets cannot hide in the dark
midnight lures out the truth at last and fake emotions run to bed
when smiles sleep, sincerity emerges
keeping up with this bipolar lifestyle is exhausting

how long can we keep this up?
will it all be worth it in the end?
if we ignore it, will it simply go away?
when will it be real?
what is real?

Revelation

I'm looking for clarity in a broken mirror
as hard as I look it won't get any clearer
my future is blurry, my past is a mess
the present is pressed down hard on my chest
I try hard to swallow but can't take in air
looking for comfort when it simply isn't there

when stumbling through life backwards you're bound to trip
I'm the lone actor on this empty stage performing without a script
tell me what to do now, love, tell me what's expected
all my life I've looked elsewhere to be perfected
but perfect's not what I'm after anymore
I've a whole life ahead of me to explore

just to clarify what I mean a bit
I'm saying I'm thoroughly over it
I'm finished being your little play-thing
when in fact, to you, I'm nothing
believe it or not I can stand on my own now
I'll find my own way even if I don't yet know how

I'm listening to a call much higher than yours
I'm going after something with a passion for more
more than you can offer me and more than you can see
something freeing and obscure and something meant for me
I know i'm meant for certain things, things oft misunderstood
just because I'm told to be reasonable doesn't mean I should

Take A Walk With Me

take a walk with me, my darling
away from heavy thoughts
leave them there still in your room
and let the gentle breeze consume
your thoughts with sweet aroma

take a walk with me, my darling
and leave behind your worries
look out upon the far horizon
stretch your limbs and settle in
for a nice, long stroll

take a walk with me, my darling
we can walk all night and day
cover your eyes and pick a direction
our footprints still the only indication
that we even exist at all

take a walk with me, my darling
our only boundary is endurance
only the stars will be our guide
the only time limit is our lives
the only goal is freedom

take a walk with me, my darling
where expectations don't exist
into a land devoid of cares
we follow our passion, they follow their's
and judgement cannot reach us

so take a walk with me, my darling
and forget all other things
lets find ourselves
among fairytales
and never awake from the dream

Oh To Live Without Fear

There's nothing I can say or do.

I'm standing in an intersection, watching the cars fly by around me in all directions.

I cannot be convinced I'm worth it.

Walking down paths backwards gets disorienting at times.

Peeling back the layers gets more painful the deeper I go.

Certainty would be nice, but seems to be evasive as of late.

I'm losing my ability to connect, stumbling away from severed connections, one after another.

I search your eyes for what I'm yearning for but only find my confused reflection.

God help me find my way.

Holding you back is propelling me forward.

The clock is ticking, decisions need to be made.

Long walks, counting rocks, kicking pebbles, eating burritos.

Memories of old combine with ones more recent, have I ever let go?

I'll wake up tomorrow a brand new girl with the same old problems and worries.

I'm just fighting the calendar at this point.

Spin the globe and I'll stop it with my eyes closed.

Comparisons are drawn; that much is inevitable.

Everything I knew has flown out the window.

Home is an illusion and security is temporary.

The warmth of your hand lasts long after you're gone.

I'm scared.

Tomorrow's You

you can't live in the past forever
you can't hold on to things that were
drop your bags at the door now, my dear
wipe your feet and come in
take your coat off, stay awhile
and let the heat of present fire warm your hands

you take what you can get
but try to leave the rest behind
i'm told we live and learn
but let's focusing on learning to live
drop the weights that hang from your shoulders
leave them where they lie

you look back to see where you were
but you don't recognize your own face
what you see is all in shadows
and what you need to know is that's okay
let the fog cloud up the mirror now
realize you don't have to have the answers

the past only follows you if you'll allow it
kiss it goodbye and throw it to the wind
the current of life will sweep you along so
grab what matters most and let the rest go
you might lose yourself along the way
or you might find a self that you've never known

is it better to stay in the comfort of yesterday's skin
or dare you risk trying on a different suit?
you may never know who you really are
your selves may forever stay as strangers
you know who you were but let's just look ahead
because freedom is there and tomorrow's you is waiting...

Be Perfect, Therefore

Be Perfect, Therefore
I'm not even close
to your picturesque goals
that throw me to the ground
as you bury my casket

Be Perfect, Therefore
I cannot measure up
to your fake, lofty standards
unreachable lies
you continue to spout

Be Perfect, Therefore
you say that you love me
then why not accept me
you push me away
please don't leave me this way

Be Perfect, Therefore
maybe one day I'll learn
but until then I'm dyin
held under the waves
of high expectations

Be Perfect, Therefore
but you'll never know
how deeply you've cut me
you've stunted my growth
while I carry YOUR burden

But
Be
PERFECT
Therefore
As
Your
Earthly
Mother
Is
Perfect
...
or something like that, right?

Eyes Of The Beholder

fear entangles
doubts are blinding
anxiety won't
let me go

reason mumbles
snares entangle
shadowed memories
cutting deep

you reach in
and find me broken
wipe away
my teary eyes

hold my hand
and lift me upward
cradled in pure
care's embrace

starting slow the
loving work
of bandaging my
many wounds

showing me through
bold example
love of hearts
guided by God

future unknown
past receding
hand in hand
you lead me on

undeserving
ever grateful
always loving
won't let go

Certainty's Less Certain These Days

the wind tunnel effect of my fluctuating emotions
pummel me to the ground in frustrated despair
I fight to understand that which will never be transparent
the feelings that were are the feelings most feared

what happened on that unforgotten night?
what hid behind that unforeseen kiss?
words come clean, what stands behind them?
two of us torn in polar directions

which words are real and which ones are hiding?
hold my hand tight before I let go
willing myself to keep on believing
that which I knew but is now so uncertain

the unknowns of life are what keep me on needles
the moments i miss keep me up in the night
certainty's certain is never an option
choking back words on the tip of my tongue

how long will I strain against my own chains
every new word only strengthens their grasp
saving me only would take you a moment
but moments like those seem unable to pass

And You'll Never Really Know

Crossroads
up, down, left, right
except there is no right
close your eyes and feel your way along
hold your breath and jump off the edge
let go...let go...

Trust
push out the doubt
take the pill, swallow quickly
all the signs confirm your fears
ignore, breathe, repeat
repeat...repeat...

Release
take hold of bitterness
of anxiety, of fear
pull off your harness and bit
flush out the poison you've been inhaling
be free...be free...

Commit
grasp the reality dangling before you
take hold of the outstretched hand
humble yourself to the help you're avoiding
realize this is all real
accept...accept...