Not a thing makes sense

In the cinema of my mind
every room shows
a different life
a different future
a different me

I'm in a maze
that's never-ending
with thirty tunnels
thirty exists
thirty doors

Which do I take?

Every second ticking by
resounding loudly
threatening ominously
choose well, stupid girl
think fast
every step
just might be
in the wrong direction

only problem is I've lost my compass

Don't Feed The Mouth That Bites You

I'm finding myself running in circles
that run into walls
and I stumble backwards
wondering how I got where
I seem to be now
because I can't remember
quite where I was going

There once was a time
when I was so certain
of where I was going
and where I had been
but that time is long gone
my path's long since been convoluted
and the one who erased the trail
stands before me now offering direction

How can I take the hand that dropped me?
How can I trust the mouth that lied?
What can I say in explanation
you'll never know just what you took
Do you know what you left behind
back on the day I can't erase from my mind?

I've had to learn to stand up again
after falling so very far
What do you expect for me to do now?
I'm stumbling, yes, but at least now I'm walking

Pulling the Trigger

Everything hurts
Everything hurts
Everything hurts

Nothing makes sense
The tears keep on falling
Surrounded by mirrors
Where's the real me?
Where's the real you?

Falling into arms
but who's arms they are
its impossible to say

Someone dries my tears
but the hand is unfamiliar

I've walked a lot farther, yes
but have I made any distance?

With every new answer
comes a million new questions

Is this what a smile costs?

Fly Paper

my life is made of fly paper
everyone I brush by leaves a little something behind
with every new character I gain a new perspective
every new relationship adds new characteristics
I'm eclectic and scattered
like a jigsaw puzzle completed from 5 different sets
a lego castle of assorted pieces
a patchwork quilt of emotion and experience

but is this a bad thing?
am I expected to peel off the layers to find my true self beneath?
I am human made up of the lives I've lived by myself and with others
a real life matryoshka doll, but is the smallest doll the truest?

every time I have loved I have lost a little,
gained a little, lived a little
looking at me now as compared to the day I was born
you would see me plus life plus love plus hate plus emotion plus experience
and can it be said that there is a "me" separate from the rest?
I don't think so.

who am I?
I am a summation of who I have been, who I want to be
who I have known, who I have loved
what I have lost, what I strive for.
taking away any or all of these vital elements
removes the "me" from Me

yes, I have changed...because I have lived.

Passing Thoughts

let me hold your shaking hands
because mine are trembling, too
I am a professional illusionist
so close your eyes and let yourself believe
you pass by and catch my eye
a stranded glance, a feeble attempt
the crowded room might as well be empty
when you're the only one on my radar

Such a Fall As This

my mind could not be a more confusing place
twisting and turning through endless corridors
halls that lead Nowhere and Everywhere together
all bringing me back to the same Room of Uncertainty

is there an answer to be found?
does this maze even have an end?
can I believe in happily ever afters?
will anything ever make sense again?

up is down and left is right
I'm spinning still and lying around
and sitting up and standing down and
falling, falling, falling, falling

"After such a fall as this I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs!"

Please, Someone, help me up

Doors

"you could get any guy you want"
"you're beautiful"
"you're hott"
"you are unlike anyone else"
"life must be so easy for you"

that's funny.

I miss you
I miss trusting
I miss believing in love

doors open
doors close
doors lock

Bring It.

I am not who I once was.
For that matter, I am not who I was yesterday.
Tomorrow, I will be someone else.
This might have previously worried be, but today it only serves to excite me.

I have not always liked myself.
I have not always been a "good person."
I am not proud of my past.
I do not wish to return to it.
I have hurt people.
I have been hurt by people.
I have made countless mistakes.

However, I refuse to hold regrets.
I refuse to hold grudges.
I have let so much go and I won't pick it up again.
I have no where to go but forward, so I will.

I find myself at a transitional point in my life once again.
Here I face my last first day ever.
Its frightening.
Its exciting.
I'm ready.

I'm ready to learn a lot.
I'm ready to follow God.
I'm ready to have fun.
I'm ready to be in shows.
I'm ready to do what I love.
I'm ready to be with those I love.
I'm ready to be honest.
I'm ready to avoid needless conflict.
I'm ready to show God's love.
I'm ready to let go of fear.
I'm ready to forgive and forget.
I'm ready to move on and move up.
I'm ready to grow up.
I'm ready for one more year.

I don't plan on wasting a single second of this year on:
fears
arguments
anger
regret
grudges
strife
revenge
tears

I believe in living and learning.
I have lived a lot recently.
I have learned a lot recently.
Time to apply my latest lessons.

Here's to Senior Year.

Bring it.

I Never Was Good At Mental Math

I'm counting the days since I last cried that way
and its a much bigger number than I'm used to
and I'm counting the smiles that you put on my face
and its a much bigger number than I'm used to

I'm counting the things about you that inspire me
to entirely give up on the fears held inside me
and its a number so large I don't know what to do with it
so I guess I'll keep on running the impossible equation

Because what can I do when the numbers don't add up
to the expectations I previously set for them
and what can I do when my plans go askew
'cause you walked right in and flipped them upside-down

See, the trouble lies here in the mental math I'm doing
I've learned lots from the past -like that numbers don't lie
but this new kinda math that you're starting to teach me
shows that infinity might be within my arms length of reaching

You're all sorts of trouble just waiting to happen
and I think I'll need more than a calculator to figure you out
But all of a sudden I've seemed to take a liking
to the strange sort of math that you're bringing about

Bleed It Out And Move On

I'm starting over
and I'm moving on
I can breathe again
I am not a pawn
nothing holds me now
no one's telling me lies
seeing the future ahead
through my own eyes
you do not define me
I am flying free
no more silly promises
can ever hold me
I have found something
much more real than you
and I am chasing it
and I can see its true
my future is uncertain
I've never been more relieved
I'm over making plans
because I think you'd agree
that plans fall through
so I'm not planning this one
I'm living it out
day by day having fun
laughing and learning
and taking some chances
and letting go of fear
and dancing life's dances
I'm unstoppable
I will learn to trust again
and I will learn to love
you won't hold me back, old friend
See, I know who I am
where've I've been, what I need
and with every new pain
I've learned how to bleed
in a way that leaves scars
but drains me of the past
and I'm moving along
towards my future so fast
that I look back and see you
far away in the distance
and can now realize
I don't need your assistance
your lofty compliments
or empty poetic lines
you can't charm me again
because I now see the signs
I find you're not needed
take your game to another
I've moved on, you've moved on
so its time for one other
who doesn't feel abused
when I offer my care
and who honestly seems to be
straight from my prayers
so have a nice life
I hope you sleep well
I hope you keep on
I hope you're days' swell
this is goodbye now
you won't see me around
and when you wonder why
just remember the sound
of your voice once saying
"I'll always love you so"
and then your voice saying
"its time for me to go"

What You'd Never Expect

sly glance
shaky hands
lean close
feelings grow
eyes meet
hearts beat
nervous smiles
stretching miles
pulses race
narrowed space
fingers brush
faces flush
eyes flutter
breath shudders
paths shift
thoughts drift

Used

I am nothing
but an object
use me lose me
for your enjoyment
I'm a toy
your porcelain dolly
disregard my
human emotions
Don't you worry
I'll keep quiet
Let me fulfill
your every desire
Don't respect me
I'm not worth it
Its out of sight
and out of mind
so when I cry
just close your eyes

To Be In Love

being in love with you
is like sticking your head out the window
as you're speeding down the highway
and you try to breathe but can't

being in love with you
is like the feeling in your stomach
when you're on the Drop Zone park-ride
and for a minute you're in free fall

being in love with you
is like that moment in the movie
when the good guy takes the flashlight
and walks down the creepy cellar stairs

being in love with you
is like a lucid dream where you can fly
you feel the tug of reality but you
push it aside for one last taste of freedom

being in love with you
is both the best and worst feeling possible
it is a stabbing pain that fills me up
with warmth and joy and tears and fire

The Honest Truth

you're as invasive as sand
creeping into every corner
every crevasse, every crack
of my mind, my heart, my soul
refusing to leave
coming and going
it seems there's no going back

I pulled down the shades
and slipped into the blindfold
accepted the ignorant bliss
but I can no longer ignore
what is blatantly pressing
down onto my mind
and my sore, throbbing heart

you're here, you're here
whether you know it or not
you belong here and you are here
you never really left
I'm holding you here
but you're holding me too
and it feels like what
must be called love

We've All Got Our Suspicions

I've become so wary
suspicious
of everyone's intentions

I've lost my sense of trust
gone
questioning the motives

I second-guess myself
repeatedly
unsure of where I'm going

Keep looking over my shoulder
paranoid
of all the needless gossip

I'm becoming such a hermit
alone
because of my insecurities

Fourth

surrounded by half the city of Boston but never more alone
watching fire in the air to celebrate fire on the ground
breathing in the smoke and chatter and the muffled band behind
pushed along in crowds of thousands, out of many comes just one
swimming with the tide this time because it feels so natural
headed nowhere, headed everywhere, headed anywhere at all

Webs

It doesn't take much to push me over the edge
I live there every day and tend to ignore the safety rails
I'm the kind of girl who crosses streets blindly
I'm the kind of girl who's dangerous to be around

Don't get too close, you'll get caught in my web
Entranced by my charming smile, you'll never even notice
as the ropes of my web wind their way around your chest
slowly suffocating, losing consciousness, slipping away

I'm swallowed up in the jaws of nostalgia
pushing back the regrets and embracing the change
making the promises and accepting the past
its time to follow through at long last

Bittersweet Beauty

you're anything but ordinary
never quite able to blend in
a King among Pawns
fine wine in a paper cup

you walk by my window
and I see you staring in
but you see right through me
as you look at your reflection

your smile exudes energy and
the bittersweet beauty
of a plucked flower
here today and gone tomorrow

Gift Wrapped

passing out the placards
drowning in descriptions
writing on the name-tags
stereotypical inscriptions

take the easy way out
figure out what I could be
slap a name across my face
but never meet the real me

pick apart the pieces of me
you find you like the best
name them, blame them, show them off
and then hide all the rest

I am so much more than what
can fit on Hello I'm blank
don't even try to sum me up
or make me into something fake

I'm real, I'm round, I'm intricate
I'm confusing and I'm detailed
I've more sides than a Rubik's Cube
and I'm equally as veiled

So don't think you can wrap me up
and stick a bow on top
I won't fit in your box today
so you might as well just stop

Behind the Veil

I pray to God to catch a glimpse of what there used to be
I stare into the shattered mirror piecing back the memories
I strain my ears to hear a second of your voice just one more time
I close my eyes and see your face and promise never to blink again

I guess I'm not as far along as I thought I was