What Goes Unsaid

peeling back through my mind for the worst case scenario
all traces of optimism suddenly desert me
and it pulls shred by shred at the heart in my chest
laid open as a target for the rock-throwing world
when it comes right down to it I'm not the most trusting
and the one I trust least is myself
because I find it to be that I am quite unpredictable
with a strong propensity towards tragic endings
pulling away into myself seems most promising
-though most lonely- so weighing my options is difficult
but when all things are considered it becomes clear to me
that I haven't a say in it at all

Internal Hell

put it down.
don't go back for more.
you're considering dessert?
how many calories are in that?
wow, that's three times are much as she's eating.
a size 9 might as well be a size 29.
being hungry doesn't mean you deserve to eat.
you don't deserve anything.
you really can't afford to skip the gym today.
you're so lazy.
they go running but you can't even run.
have you gained another pound?
you have absolutely no self control.
you're a fat cow.
things would've worked out with him if you were thin.
you'll never be beautiful at this rate.
obesity is just around the corner.
did you really just clean your plate?
was that meal healthy?
wow, that arm fat is really attractive.
you're too fat for him.
I think they're looking at how big you are.
why are you bigger than all your friends?
you're not capable of being small.
honestly, you're huge.
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control
you have no control




helpme

Last Chapter

pages fade, turned one too many times
sharp paper cuts slice to reality
through the convoluted story line
though I have it dog-eared many times over
the characters remain unfamiliar
taking unexpected turns
where the path trails away
and I don't have the next chapter

flipping back a couple pages
I realize this isn't the same book
I started out reading
the Wicked Witch eats a granny
and the Wolf hunts for slippers
while the Hatter is leaving breadcrumbs
and Gretel considers the letter M

I find I'm chained to this story
though continually placed on the shelf
I wake up to find it under my pillow
again and again I trace my fingers over
the scrawling patterns of script
but the message never changes, never strays
just keep reading, don't skip ahead
the last chapter has yet to be written

Songbird

all I can do is wish the song was for me
but the songbird doesn't sing for just anyone these days
and this tune doesn't quite ring true for me anymore
so I'll quietly fade into the background of the lyrics
as my mind continues to wander uncontrollably
and I get lost driving down old roads
passing by old haunts and blowing through familiar stop signs
while I silently mouth those words that I almost believe
almost remembering who I am and where I'm going
the picture of us slowly slipping between my forefingers
my reaction time isn't fast enough to hold on
and the breeze sweeps it away along with those fake smiles
fingers trembling from the sudden loss
all I can do is grip the steering wheel a little bit tighter
and turn up the radio where I hear your voice again
screaming just a little louder than I remember
in a language I don't understand
but when I play it backwards I hear you calling my name
over and over and over again

Cobwebs

Spending these hours before the world awakens
flipping over hour glasses
turning back ticking clocks
dusting off forgotten calendars
rewinding lost films
and rereading previous chapters
new eyes staring at old pictures
new memories added to the old
new perspectives take on challenges of the past
but the dust makes me itch
and the cobwebs are closing in
as I fall through the moldy floors
of the attic of my mind
and the walls sag in around me
weighted down by the pictured memories
and tomes of histories
of all the Allisons that once were
but are no more
and all the ghosts chase me out the door
and down the creaking stairs
back to reality
back to the present
with my head so full of the thens
that I barely notice the nows
but suddenly I look around and realize
that this is all that matters
and I almost missed it...

so I locked the door to the musty room
of lost friends and sad days
and angry messages and unfortunate regrets
and unanswered questions and silly fights
and left the key behind
to be hidden under the piles of debris
and lost in the folds of my ever-working mind
and stepped out with a clear head for the first time in a long while

Resolute

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
or so the saying goes
but if we're being honest
I'd say that breathing makes the heart grow fonder
in my case, anyway
because I can't take more than a couple breaths
without wishing you were with me
It's astonishing the way in which
the brain makes associations
and how little things I run across
like burritos
and djembes
and pebbles
and lit trees
and shoelaces
and white pizza
and ice cream
and rock nature
and lone benches
and empty parks
and swingsets
and car rides
and certain songs
and white roses
all make me think of you
despite the distance
and the past
and the present
and the future
and the unknowns
and the uncertainties
and the impossibilities
or maybe because of those things
yes, definitely because of those things
it was because of all of those things
that I blew my midnight-wish-kiss to you

Dial Tone

I could write a novel with all of the thoughts in my head but I can't seem to spit out the first sentence and they say that getting started's the hardest part but I'd be forced to disagree 'cause I don't think it gets much easier beyond that because once you get going you realize you've got to be open and open's not something I'm accustomed to being around many people these days due to the fact that it always leaves me broken and torn open and bleeding with no one around to help me stitch up the pain and the pain is what's left lingering long past the end of the party, past the end of the walk, past the end of the phone conversation where I'm still sitting there listening to the dial tone 15 minutes after the last "goodbye" and goodbyes seem to follow me or chase me maybe its hard to tell since I'm stuck on a ferris wheel of far too many goodbyes and far too few hellos it seems so unbalanced I'm not sure how I'm still on this ride it seems I'm due to fall off any day now but instead of falling down I think I'll probably fall up because that's the only place to go from here and down only leads to reality which is something I'm trying hard to avoid because I've realized lately that reality isn't fair and isn't right and doesn't add up and I know I'm not too good at math but I'd rather exist somewhere where 2 + 2 = 5 if that means when I wake up he'll still be alive and we'll still be in love and she'll still come around and all in all 5's a better number than 4 anyway but who am I to say?

Mr. Fear

I met Fear
We shook hands recently
Rubbed shoulders, actually
Turns out He's moved in to the empty apartment nextdoor
I needed a new friend as mine keep moving out
And He so readily became my newest, closest friend
That I didn't even notice as He started moving in
To my apartment, to my room, to my bed
We moved from friends to dating to engagement in record time
With a relationship so intimate I barely even realized I could no longer breathe
As His icy fingers enclosed around my lungs squeezing tightly
Until I finally stopped breathing and my eyes started closing
And my heart stopped beating and I died

Brevity

passing glances sting
fading memories persist
scars that will not heal




averting my eyes
cannot hide my jealousy
wish I were better




nothing else to say
walking on rocks clears the mind
time to cross the bridge




eyes once full of life
glance dimly around the room
is there no escape?




trust and commitment
nearly impossibly gained
so easily lost

Nighttime Delirium

and I lie awake for one more restless night
as the meaningless increments are kept in
perfect time by the brilliantly glowing
numbers that float through the air to my bed
and taunt me with their passing

I can't even say what is on my heart because
the words form knots before they even
reach my lips so I choke them back down
although occasionally I miss a few
and out they spew and stain the air before me

circling around the usual racetrack of thoughts
there goes my mind in first and last place
seeing no new roads and passing no new finish lines
only tiring of the same old skid marks
the same old flags and the same old trophies

tossing and turning doesn't actually do much
because the sheets become bars in my cage
of a bed and the dream catcher, a hypnotist
as my eyes follow its swinging dance
and the dark fades to light again

one of these days I'll find the courage to
make a change and to put a stop to these endless days
because enough is quite enough
I'm through with quoting silly lines without
the strength to make them mean something

so, here's to meaning something

Starlight is Best for Pondering

on nights such as this
I find my mind drifting
down almost forgotten memories
and lonely past smiles

on nights such as this
I find myself wandering
wishing I could wander
my way into you

on nights such as this
I find my thoughts lingering
on three words once spoken
that echo on still

Forever Has Seven Letters But So Does Goodbye

I'll write down my thoughts and write down my fears
then give them all to you, just lend me your ears
I'll act my heart out because its all I can do
to fully express what I'm feeling for you
because my words and actions get lost in translation
and most recently I've had this revelation
that the one thing that I've dreamt of repeatedly
is suddenly standing right in front of me

and my mind goes blank
and my hands start to shake


how can I stare into the depths of your eyes
how can I say what's on the tip of my tongue
how can I reach out and hold your hand
how can I hold you with me in a kiss

without staring
and saying
and reaching
and holding
forever

Shoelace

walks are never long enough
to say what should be said
how can I possibly open my mouth
and say all the things on my heart
I never thought I'd have this chance
and maybe its not really there
but I'm not a fan of wasting my time
and I won't stand for holding regrets
so give me a chance
to say what I mean
and mean what I say
once more

Wrinkles

uncertain overtones
do you know what I'm thinking
can you read through my mask
does my strong face deceive you

if I really was strong
I'd tell you what I'm feeling
I'd share all my thoughts
in a way quite nostalgic

but I'm not strong
I'm falling apart
I'm waiting for something
anything
one thing
to happen

I'm holding on
to faded colors
shredded memories
settled laughter

wrinkled paper
can never
fully be
smoothed out
again

Post-It Notes

the questioning heart
reaches out to grab me
I quickly glance away
but your stare has caught hold
it follows me away
to where I am most alone
I can feel it in the night
as I hold on to Africa
and the original-est Corn
while my thoughts carry me away...

what should I do as I reach this conclusion?
looking back I desire to move forward
but separation beckons on the near horizon
can a heart stay disconnected from a body for so long?


mine has.

Broken Mirrors Still Reflect

hesitant to go to sleep with nightmares that run rampant in my brain
but opening my eyes I see them still plainly before me
nightmares awake and asleep and in between
I'm stuck in a parallel world from where I used to be
I can see you here and hear your voice but you're stuck behind a broken glass
its a mirror of sorts and your image's warped but its you all the same
as you've always been
out of my pain I ran away in a blinded rage and stumbled upon my current fate and here I lie confused and alone but not alone and yet more alone than ever before
curiouser and curiouser I find my lot to be
as my past runs along ahead and my present lags behind
and the weight of current situations threaten to drown me yet
I long for freedom, long for choices, choices others always make for me
my heart lays in shards spread across a long table
a buffet line for all who walk by
but the one hand who comes bearing a question mark
makes more sense than those offering answers

Whisper Louder

I can't shed enough tears to express what I'm feeling
I can't run far enough in the opposite direction
somewhere along the line I end up back where I started
staring in the face of my greatest loss
my greatest friend
my dearest
my loveliest
my only true
...
it doesn't matter
what's past is past
what's gone won't return
what once was is laid to rest
the lines in the sand have been drawn

why can't I let go of that lone ghostly hand
why can't I shake off this deadly nostalgia
I'm lost and confused and not sure where to go
and your voice echoes by all the while

I've been reduced to living for whispers

The bad decisions add up, don't they?

and yet for all her beauty

she cried herself to sleep again


with no one to blame


but


herself

Dusk Falls

the sun it setting now
the last few rays peek over the horizon
but is that what determines night?
because I could have sworn dusk fell a long time ago

its time to say goodbye
this chain holds me a little too tight
I can't keep going forward
when I'm continually pulled in reverse

I've set myself in an invisible cage
but I'm here holding the key
its time to do what I know I need to do
its time to set myself free

Whisper

In the dead of the winter
when icicles grow
and snow flakes fall lazily
upon the fresh snow
the chill in the air
will blow past my fast
and I'll hear you in the whisper of the breeze

When spring time arrives
and the flowers awake
with their faces turn upwards
as the cold spell does break
the air is still chilly
as it brushes past my cheek
and I'll hear you in the whisper of the breeze

Seasons change once again
and summer turns hotter
the days are so long
and the plants yearn for water
more welcome than ever
the wind brings relief
and I'll hear you in the whisper of the breeze

Now autumn approaches
smells of spices waft by
and colors are shifting
as the plants start to die
and the wind, it turns chilly
as it rustles the leaves
and I hear you in the whisper of the breeze